PICKING UP PIECES

I'm back.

Though still very much a bitter person,

but i'm turbo charged with determination.

The fight's still on.

Quest continues.

Another saga unfold.

I tell myself that i still have 42 months before i hit 40.

Now faithless, i'm resolving to rely on my bazi for guidance.

World-renowned bazi master saw my bazi and augured that herbal medicines is the cure - wood element - to resolve the child-bearing clash indicated in my bazi.

So it is, Chinese medicine.

Unlike western treatment like IVF - which are tactical solutions - TCM is a long distant marathon.

I have commenced TCM treatment with a TCM gynae from China and i am hoping fervently that she would be The One to cure me with the treasure of the 5,000 years-old traditional Chinese formula for woman's wellbeing formula.

Also my bazi indicated that i have entered a new ten-year cycle of Output. Which means these are going to be the years that i will, literally, produce, be it my creativity @ work, music, novel-writing and most desired of all - a baby.

TCM (wood) + Ouput (water) = baby (finger-cross)

IN GRIEF

My 2nd IVF attempt miscarried on 16 April 2010. All three tiny lives had lived just one week longer than the first triplet's. This second attempt lasted exactly four weeks and four days from embryo transfer date. Technically, i was really pregnant for only a month - from fertilization with triplets thriving at eight-cells when they were put back into my womb.

On the very same day of my loss, i'd, sadly, celebrated the birth of my younger brother's first child. Aside from hubby, i had told no one about my miscarriage. I had faked a joyous face throughout this day as it was a historical day for my family because this baby boy is also my parent's first grandchild, a.k.a. the third generation. Baby Hong-Hong is a epitome of my yearning, my desire, my longing and my depression.

As much as i am happy to welcome a new life into the family, i was also submerging in tremendous grief with my loss. My weight dropped drastically, tipping the scale to 8kg. I couldn't bring myself to blog and work life was monologue. I let myself grieved without reserve; i'd stayed reclusive, pensive, wistful, hurt.

Unfortunately, i still haven't emerge, even till today. I am as bitter as before. I snapped easily. I can taste sour in my tongue whenever i see women my age or younger walking by with a proud baby bump. I detour whenever such women came onto my path.

I never thought i can actually - and literally - 'taste' failure. And now i have. It makes me want to loathe. It makes me want to find fault at something...someone. It makes me want to scream my head off.

Despite not getting any of those achieved, at least it has successfully made me turn my back on religion or all things spiritual. I am able to say it out loud, to anyone, that i think religion or GOD or any faith are just a psychology illusion people conjure to cushion self in moments of weakness.

"Religion is an illusion and it derives its strength from the fact that it falls in with our instinctual desires. At bottom, God is nothing more than an exalted father."

Sigmund Freud.

I couldn't agree more. I can truly feel and understand it's extent at this junction of my life when i have had finally got down on my knees at numerous times, prayed and begged for help to secure the second IVF. Poignant prayers despite heartfelt pledges. No miracle happened. The atrocious gushes of red came, flushing out my previous triplets, my dream, my yearning, along with my honest belief of faith.

Today, i am able to lift my fingers to blog. Probably out of hatred, out of revenge at everything that stands in my way to mother a child. Maybe i should congratulate myself for coming out of grief and promoted to anger. Maybe i am telling myself i should not be giving up so soon. Maybe i need the anger to fuel my determination to fight on. Maybe i need the fire to fuel my next book: Do we need GOD?

A Girl’s story of Ovum Donation in Malaysia

I have accidently stumbled upon an interesting yet hope generating website http://spareyoureggs.com. The author is a brave Malaysia woman who had donated her eggs for a fee at an unnamed medical center in the country. I'd read her website with uninterrupted interest as she had written about the process and procedures so well and never the slightest slur hinted in her report.

Reading her website had cheered my another-day-of-2ww-blue. Though she had done the donation with a nominal fee in return, but having had been through the egg-growing process myself twice, i must applaud her courage and her unwavering decision to go through the painstaking process that lasted in no less than four weeks. Though its for a fee, which might be spent off within a week, but her contribute could last a life time if the eggs made it to the birth stage. The magnitude of the egg donors are justified wider and farther than dollar and cents. Donated eggs could bring life and happiness... in an otherwise grim family.

But there was one woman named Sarah commented on her website with such narrow-minded perception that brought me to think, such people still exist in this twenty-first century??? Read on.


sarah Says:
March 4th, 2009 at 5:42pm

Hi dear,
You are very brave. But i must ask, when u do plan to have children of your own, have u thought about the consequences that u have other children out there, who you might never even get to know of, with your genes and dna running through them? what if your own children happens to fall in love with your donated-egg child, and they never find out that they are related? and then an incest is in the making, which is a crime, but no one will ever know cos you dont know?
isnt that horrible?

if ur never planning to have kids, i think that would be much better, but you also never know if ur cousins or siblings or you yourself fall in love and meet with your donated-egg child. crimes could be born UNKNOWN.

Bizarre, isn't she? If more people think like Sarah, i couldn't imagine what could possibly be their views towards other aspects of their life. I think self-preservation would their core agenda to life - everything that concern their interest must come first. On a lighter note, imagine being her daughter-in-law....guahahaha

I seldom pray lately, but i would wish to make this exception for the kind author and her courage to maintain her website. I pray to all gods that the divines would see her sincere objective and bless her for her courage to do the nonorthodox in the name of charity to those unfortunate childless and infertile community.

cycle 29 (2nd IVF Day 10) - 2WW blues

I'd nearly had a breakdown this morning - my breasts were devoid of pains to the touch. That flicked me out of my stupor liked ice-cold water poured onto me. I said up on my bed and started pressing my breast all over lightly trying to detect some pain. Though i've got some tenderness but the symptoms were very weak. My nipples had went from non-touchable to press-able. I zombied through the regular morning routine and i ate breakfast without tasting the wanton mee.

I simple couldn't bring myself to do or make my brain to think of anything else. I didn't even tell Dino dad. After the morning shower, i sat in front of the TV at 9.45am before switching on New Moon DVD, i concentrated on chanting "I have a strong womb, my babies are strong and i will see them in nine months time" over and over for a long moment. Though the chanting did not settled my fear, but i could feel the tenderness on my breasts increased slightly. Yeah, don't think i'm crazy - i know and took mental note on every little significant or insignificant symptoms that goes on in my body.

I do entirely aware that all symptoms of possible implantation i am feeling right now are caused by the drugs i am subjecting my body to; i know full well that hCG injections raised alkaline taste at my throat all day to the extend i'd felt two-percent-nauseous, the intense breast tenderness feeling is also the work of hCG and progesterone suppository, the fatigue, five-percent increase in urination and engorged nipples. I welcome all these. These symptoms help me to stay focus and think positively. In fact, and not shy to declare, i cling my sanity to it.

There's nothing i want more this year than holding an infant in my arms. I'd even prepared to drop all my careers if i were really pushed to that - as told to me by bazi consultants that it was indicated in my bazi to be a one hundred-percent mom should i conceived successfully. Whatever, i don't mind. I am ready for all eventuality that might shift the horizon of my work life.

Now, as i write, the breast tenderness had got stronger but slightly lesser than yesterdays. But at least the metallic taste on my throat returned. Many IVF mom-to-be websites cited that the two-week-wait should not be an eventful period, that there're usually not much significant symptoms to catch even if the lucky mom is carrying twins. The best confirmation lies on day 14 when doc would summon a urinal test and most IVF docs claimed that any pregnancy urinal tests done will not be reliable until 16 days after egg collection.

Well, i am four days away. And these days of the 2ww are most nerve-racking time of the whole treatment cycle. It is the only period when two major impacts can be felt at once - the elation for knowing my babies could have successfully implanted when there's still significant symptoms to be felt, whereas sandwiched on the other side of the moment is the feeling of uncertainly, of possible deflation of spirit, when i am feeling so helpless like a fat, useless potato couch with thousands of questions fleeting in my head that no one could answer - even God, even specialists. I want to reach for the dial, but who could i call? The counsellor? (Please! people are getting pregnancy like eating peanuts every day. They have more suicidal cases on hand) The IVF support group? (let me know i there's one near you) The doctors? (These species are trained for their hand skills which the universities had forgotten they have a mouth too) The nurses? (Huh? iss it? Yes ah? I don't know la. I only work here.) Friends? (Two types. Type one : Uh-uh, yes yes, excuse me for one second, (yelling) Boy, if you don't stop that i will smack you. Ok, where were we? Isn't my baby girl looking like his daddy...? Type two: Uh-uh, yes yes, my god who's kids are those? Somebody stop them from screaming like monkeys. My ears hurt. Ok, where were we? Sigh.......................... again ................. and again ......................

In the meantime, anyone want to be my surrogate mother? Or do you have an extra healthy baby you couldn't afford to feed or give grade A education? I don't mind having more even if i have my own. My house is big and there's only two people, two dogs and a few cats living here. Got extra empty rooms.

cycle 29 (2nd IVF) - I have 3 again

I have received three of my well developing 8-cells embryos back into my womb on March 25. Though March 26 was the best recommended day - by my Bazi consultant as the day had both of my favorable elements: wood and water - i didn't opted for it because doc had advised me not to let my living embryos exposed to the outside world for more than three days. Clinically proven that surviving embryos thrive best in the nature-made environment of a woman's womb.

My consultant helped me to settled on March 25 as second best - having wood but sitting on Earth (unfavorable). Well, i had to resolved that March 25 was the better option than to March 24 as it was a month-breaker day though both of the day elements suited me too. Better heed the consultant - didn't think Month-breaker was lesser than my IVF investment.

True enough, the embryo-transfer went very well. I was bizarrely craving for chicken chop when i was discharged from the hospital at noon. It should be a good sign.

The fact that i craved food was yet a significant change of luck in this second IVF attempt because i simply suffered NO OHSS! That alone was something to be celebrated. Why, because i did not wallow in great stomach discontent - that had blown up my stomach to a 6-month pregnant belly - and breathing difficulty. I got to eat all my meals like usual. I am still wearing my jean and fitting Ts. And most crucial of all, i won't be spending extra RM960 for any albumin to flush OHSS and i WILL BE getting my progesterone jabs every fourth day - yeah!

Well, there was also a little set back - i didn't produce enough quality eggs to be frozen for next future use. I produced fifteen eggs on the first IVF. This round i'd only managed to produce six eggs. I guess that was what i had to be balanced with - less eggs = no OHSS...sigh.

Freezing the extra eggs can help to reduce the time and money of the pre-IVF journey if i were to want more babies in the future. Its a technology to be marveled. Alas, i couldn't benefit from it.

On day two, two of my embryos died at four-cells. When the embryologist broke the news, my knees got weak - i mean that'd left a balance of only four embryos to chance. Many negative notions flashed through my brain, what if they didn't do well and i had to start the injections all over again?

Somehow, my luck got a little up tide. When i checked in for transfer procedure, the embryologist announced that the fourth one died too but there were three very strong eight-cells fella still thriving. And they were growing as per schedule.

But this time, the embryologist said their monitor was not functioning well so they couldn't let me see the images of my embryos. How coincident? Why did i get the feeling that they didn't want this informed patient poking her nose too much into their procedure? Could the doc regretted to let me keep the image of my embryos during the first IVF? Sniff, sniff... i am tormenting myself now with negative thoughts about the doc's motive. Hopefully they didn't lie to me that my embryos were not showing well and they wouldn't want me to cancel last minute... gua.

Sigh.... i'd better stop musing with the negatives and start focusing the positive. I need to start observing physical signs - doc said my embryos should be starting to implant this Saturday or Sunday.

So now, off i go to lie on my couch again. Want to see the real image of a couch potato? That's me!

cycle 29 (2nd IVF) - Hormones gone haywire

I am seventh day late and i still don't see even a red spot.

Why life has to torment me this way; i saw red at the times when i would give anything in the world to NOT see it, and now i don't see even a red dot when i am unbelievably panting for it. Can life get anymore bizarre than mine?

Ideally, i should have waited for at least an interval month rest before embarking on second IVF. This rest would help my body to retune itself to its natural cycle. Because i was too eager to meet my tiger-baby deadline, because i was and still am feeling healthy and robustious, i made the decision last month to not waste more time idly when my body - based on my theory - is still being under the control of medications. Might as well to continue diffusing my brain further while my body is still able to take on IVF procedures.

But i am supposed to menstruate seven days ago. With its absence for the seventh day, i am less calm as i had been last week. My chin is severely battered with acne eruptions - something i don't get unless there's a hormonal disturbance to my system. Some websites even sited that this is a sign of increase androgen (male hormones) in my system. Wow, i am more mainly now? But i actually felt more beautiful than myself in the whole of last year. My hair less frizzy, it's got more weight. Hmm, if its true, it certainly can help to explain the slightly raised passion-on-bed in February. - more than any other month for the past ten months.

The delay is probably due to the daily Suprefact jabs that i have been taking at home since Feb 23. Out of curiosity, i did a quick search on the internet and discovered it is also referred as the widely known Lupron that i have been reading about all along before.

Lupron suppresses the communications between my little pituitary gland, on the back of my lower brain, with my ovaries. When there's no communications going on, my ovaries do not receive order to manufacture eggs that would eventually lead to spontaneous ovulation like a normal cycle would. When Lupron takes over the wheel, it sort of temporarily immobile the autopilot function of m body while waiting for a newly appointed captain to take office so that he, my doctor, can manually pilot my body according to his schedule and strategies. Hah! did i got that right? I hope so.

Hmm, hypothetically, my pituitary gland should be well suppressed by now judging from the absence of menses, as some websites did explained that patient would sometimes get a period but not always. See? It said not always. So i should be one the norm, i guess. I should relax a little.

Doc advised if i don't get menses in the next two days, he would give me medication to flush it. And that is something new! I didn't know there's something available to induce menses. Wow, science marvel. But doc would also need to run a blood test and ultrasound then to verify the status of my pituitary suppression before he could advise on starting FSH.

At this junction, seems like my timing has gone a little off track. This could sidetrack my aim to achieve pregnancy by March 15 and hey.., my fervent hope to get these little darlings delivered on Nov 15 if they could stay in full nine months.

On a light note, this sidetrack could mean that i might be endowed with a surpassing treat - for all the torments i endured and unbending perseverance the last twenty nine months -my babies to be born close to Christmas!! (my heart sings already....)

Cycle 29 - 2nd IVF

I can't seem to put down my Twilight Saga books - I am re-reading them a third time. And i think i am going to go on to the fourth round devoutly when i go into confinement after the embryo transfer in middle of March 2010.

Its embarrassingly enough to admit that i am having a deep crush on Edward Cullen! - i still couldn't sink the fact in that i am still capable of having infatuation at this age of mine now - and the world he lived in. It is kinda like me feeling twenties again all of a sudden. It's his face - Robert Pattinson - that i couldn't get enough of. Urgg.... so geram. I have been, literally, floating through my days-of-denial this past month living in his world dreamily. Bella and Edward's family have somehow made my recent three weeks of post miscarriage seemed lighter to bear, though there were the occasional depression and emotional coastal-roller rides. At some point i kinda of felt the need to take a silent gratitude to my own fate that it was a blessing to have found Bella and Edward at the darkest time of need.

Also, perhaps the 太陰星 and 太陽星 have finally visited my life chart in 2010. I like to believe that 太陰星 has somehow escalated my enthusiasm in creative writing - its the one passion that i have neglected for some long time - and propel my hidden and sleeping talent subconscious mind to kick start its production factory. Just a week back, on the flying trip to Hatyai, my head was spinning a synopsis of a love story - of which it suddenly crept up - and was completed by the time we touched down in KL. Amazing! I swear i couldn't even peel my eyelids to work on anything mentally in the whole 2009. I am absolutely feeling hyper since the turn on Feb 4, 2010 and my mind has been racing non-stop tapping on fresh leads on story plots and any new ideas that can sprout the publishing of a book, hopefully before the year's out. Oh, did i

mentioned i am writing some songs too? And trying my hand on penning lyrics? And all the while trying to thwart the maddening compulsion to get my hands on the original Twilight New Moon dvd - to be released in March 2010 - and the thirst for any news flash or releases on Twilight Eclipse. How crazy could one get when one is in love? When was the last time i was this crazy over someone? That crush on Keanu Reeves and Rob Lowe - when i was in my teen - didn't even come close.

Love you more, Edward. Because of you and your everything i'd desired in a man-of-my-dream, i'd managed to put behind the grudge, the bleakness and the anger i'd lashed out towards this stupid life cycle. I am all renewed - mentally and physically - again to face yet another arduous road trip of needle-pricking days and depleting huge sum off our savings for a second IVF.

Love you even more, Edward, because somehow your dream-like quality of a personality has mellowed my eagle personality - a characteristic categorization science i'd learned in my psychology counseling sessions - and awaken my dove personality - a trait i didn't know i possessed derived from the Dr Leonard Yong's personality test. No wonder i could submerge my mind into Edward's world so easily ever since the first time i laid my hand on Twilight books in December 2009. And to so easily fire up my creative intuition surrounding the mythical world of romance again - something i have buried don't-know-where in my recent years to make way for serious thrashing in a life i have called career.

Honest - check again - yeah, honestly, i do feel truly good spirited and somewhat happy after the turn on Feb 4. I am feeling ... confident too that i am going to succeed in this second IVF. Perhaps my double 太陽星 has already began to work on me. Perhaps 太陰星 is very potent for me especially in this 庚虎 - my nobleman star - year sitting on my wealth element.

Looks like my next two weeks will be filled with anxiety again. Only this time, the anxious hours would be more productively countered with book and songs writing.

Jasper, Edward and Ivanna ... mommy will be seeing you again soon.

I AM SO DAMN PISSED!!!!!

Why wouldn't baby choose to be born in my family?

We have worked our asses off the last thirteen years to make ourselves financially independent. We have put desire and luxury last on our list while taking up few jobs that occupied our human time ten to twelve hours a day. We weathered through two recessions. Now we have a big house with two extra empty rooms. We have two properties to our names. Any any baby be born in this home would get to be don in Baby Guess and be chauffeured around in a real-time 4WD. Any baby be born to my home will get the finest education in life tutored by a pair of wisdom centric parents whom not only teaching the finest traits of humanity but to know how to give back to the society. This baby will get to travel to see the world before getting his or her driving license. This baby will not need to learn hardship of life, instead, he or she will fully utilize the growing years learning ways to better human life. Any baby be born to us would have names so unique that they would be the envy of their school friends. Any baby would get to listen to Chopin, Sarah Brightman and Chant of Metta while they are still inside my womb. Any baby be born in my home would get to sleep in quiet air-conditioned room furnished with his own little library stuffed with wonderful and exciting books of the world. If we perished in accident, this baby would be an overnight millionaire heir or heiress.

Why choose to go crawling through pathetic holes of others who couldn't even feed themselves three meals a day properly? Why choose to be born in family where the man of the house even need to temporary stop installing their basic life policy? But every day babies are born to families with deplorable conditions; dirty homes, playing dangerously by the roadside or hazard environment, exposed to psychotics baby snatcher, seeking government hospital treatment when ill, malnourish from poor parenting, and some horrible conditions i couldn't bring myself to even pity them.

People under such deplorable condition can bear children as easy as frying an egg sunny-side-up. What's the logic in this? What's the acceptable reasoning in this? For those who believe their gods are the so called 'creator', let me ask you one question: why does your god prefer to put babies to suffer by placing them in deplorable families? Do you like to watch their life suffer, liked their life a board game to you? Oh, so that they can learn the value of life through their growing years? Oh, so that they can learn to appreciate life more? Yeah, tell that to families of victims' of snatch theft. Don't forget to explain to members of the Mat Rempit or the mobs or the drug addicts, oh, and children abusers too.

Oh, i deserved my bad karma, you say? That i have had encouraged neutering of domestic pets and strays during my active years with PAWS and SPCA? That i have sent too many dogs and cats to the local vets for spaying, so now i am justifiably receiving my retribution? That i have messed with nature's order or pro-creation? Do i need to justify myself to morons out there who think of us that way? Yeah, i think maybe its utmost necessary to explain to these un-medically educated morons that as a matter of fact, all the dogs and cats that i have sent for spaying, have been living a more-than-wonderful-disease-free life since then. They are now as happy as equivalent to human seniors in their 70s and 80s. They don't suffer hormonal surges. They don't need to fight over carnal pleasures. They don't need to suffer carnally spread diseases. They are less at risk with reproduction cancers. They enjoy level temperament and that in turns give their owner better peace of mind. Neighbors and society are assured of no future nuisance with infestation of over-breeding stray kittens and puppies. As long as these spayed dogs and cats are constantly displaying happy gestures evidently through their vigorous flagging tail, lapping owners faces and jumping in excited yeps even in their old age, wouldn't these be sufficiently contributing to good merits? Or do our society need more strays roaming the streets, ravaging our dustbins for food and keeping us up at night with murderous dogfights during mating seasons? So i mess around with nature's order or am i contributing to society? Tell me straight to my face, if you dare come forward to justify yourself.

Every now and then, i feel no pity when i see a baby playing dangerously by a drain while his mother is busying serving customers mee rebus. Month-old baby riding in mom's arm on a motorcycle with dad in the rain? Oh, your child does not like school? Oh, that child was abducted by stranger? Excuse me, your husband's meager RM2000 salary couldn't afford revision books for your eldest child of five? I see, you didn't know folic acid is crucial to prevent spinal bifida in babies?

Who cares. You have chosen to be born in such family. Deserve it! Or blame it on your god. Oh, your perfect god has a reason for your suffering and he wouldn't tell you why? You were sold on such nonsense? Then please continue to suffer; i wouldn't want to hinder your subscription to such psychotic concept authored by the one almighty-yet-no-one-saw-him. I would be damned to hell for blasphmey? Where is hell, actually? Isn't it obvious? We are already living in hell everyday. We are all damned from day one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(panting.....) i am so pissed!

i need to grieve .........................

When breasts tenderness faded completely at certain hours of day 14, i'd recognized the sign of an impending miscarriage. The urine test taken at the medical center showed negative. When doc asked about my breast sensation, i grimaced. The outlook was grim. The next twenty four hours was pure torture despite putting on the confident facet, numbing my brain with self-hypnotizing phrases taught in The Secrets.

The Sunday morning (day 16) saw blood during urination. The strong walls surrounding my self-bricked wall beginning to shatter. Tears and fear choked my throat so bad i didn't want to talk for a good half of the morning until we reached our queue standing in front of the living 天后娘娘 begging for her divine intervention. "Please", we begged, "do whatever you can. Help me. Please just help stop this impending miscarriage". That was the first time in fourteen days, i broke down in front of fifteen other devotees at the temple. My tears continued to flood my eyes while 天后娘娘 delivering her assurance that my babies were alright. Perhaps 天后娘娘's words were like a soothing cushion to my exhausted aching heart. Perhaps, 天后娘娘's words were like the last straw that i could still cling on safely. It was embarrassing for i had never cried in public. But i felt immediate relieve when others were showing sincere understanding. I could even read their eyes feeling pity for me and Dino dad while they cradled their toddlers in arms.

I was spent of emotion. The feeling of resigning was slowly creeping up. I burrowed through the remaining of the day till midnight in Twilight Breaking Dawn. Twilight series was and still are my personal brand of 'high'. Escaping into Twilight's world was and still is my only escape from the cruel reality of my karmic life.

My favorite Bella survived a miracle pregnancy and given birth to an angelic baby Renesmee with my all-time favorite Edward Cullen vampire. What did i get? I've got a miscarriage on Monday (day 17) afternoon when the toilet paper held a all-too-clear clump of fresh red tissue. I showed the discharge to Dino dad and our world crumbled down mercilessly. The rest of the day went by in a blur. Doc confirmed the miscarriage at about 9 pm - the ultrasound scan showed my endometrium has shrank from 16mm to 9mm. The fibroids remain large in sizes but they were no way near my womb - the only piece of good news.

I bled for eight days - the longest period of my whole life, second after the IUI experience last April 2009. I continued to lost myself in Twilight books - living in Bella and Edward's world. Foods were tasteless. The post-ivf-miscarriage seemed to mess up my appetite - i no longer feel hunger. I'd lost 4kg in ten days.

Dino dad gave me my quiet space. Silence seems to be the pleasure for both of us. We just lost ourselves in quiet embraces at time with not a word spoken. He hurt bad too. He has just turned 40 and still no baby in his arms. It pain him even more to see me all bloated up and writhing in pain with excessive hormone. It burned him every awakening minute he tried not to think about the already-researched knowledge of the potential in me developing cancer in my later age due to all this injected high dosage of hormonal IVF medications.

Life is so cruel to us.......

Day 17 (Feb 1) - Devastated

Around 2.30pm, i discharged a lump of what looked like a mash of red flesh. I instantly understood, though not recognizing the shapes, it was my babies.

All three of my babies died.

I need to grieve...

Day 11 (January 26) - First mild breast tenderness

Ultrasound showed fluid has significantly discharged from my abdominal cavity. Breathing has resume normal and toilet habit is smooth operation. But my waistline remained large at 36 in.

Doc still didn't want to start me back on progesterone jab until fluid are cleared from within me. I was quite unconvinced. I have been torturing myself whole day contemplating whether should i thicken up my skin to insist doc to give me the jab tomorrow. My anxiety is stamped from my insecurity having not able to feel any earliest signs that can indicate my babies are successfully implanted. The urine test showed negative. Doc proceeded to withdraw blood for HcG. Report to be back tomorrow and i am already started climbing the wall.

How am i going to sail through the hours the next three days???? According to schedule, simple urine test would be expected to give early indication of my babies' success in implantation - first challenge. By logic, won't i'd be showing now? I mean, i am having a triplets - doesn't this emplify things up????

On this day - Day 11 - i am only experiencing mild twitching, since noon, on the lower left abdomen, the place i believe is somewhat like the left side of my ovary. And i am only feeling a mild breast tenderness when i give my breasts light punches and squeezes. Urggg......i am dying to have more bloating now. I don't mind the breathing difficulty again. I want more pain on my breasts. I am going nuts now, lending towards turning into a sadist. Glutton for punishment seems like an attraction now.

Urgg............... i think i have got to bury myself deeper into Twilights.

Day 8 (January 23) - My bizarre waistline

Today is day 8 and my babies are still looking fine. Only me feeling horrible.

Ever since back home from the embryo transfer, my tummy has been growing and today it reached 38cm. My tummy is sooooo huge and dense it made me looked liked i'm five months along.

I was admitted for albumin drip on Wednesday night because excessive fluid retention in several parts of my abdominal cavity caused me breathing difficulty. My breathing pattern was incredibly laborious. I couldn't sit for all and couldn't sleep well. The albumin helped to push excessive fluid back into the system to be channeled out naturally through urination and defecation. This shockingly expensive RM980 one-night hospitalization did elevated the stressful breathing the next two days but only to be bloating hard again on Friday night.

I was practically drinking and eating so much so much less till i felt dehydrating at some point. I wanted to drink water or soup but each few sips would bloat up my tummy till it hurt bad. I even woke up at 5am jerking to vomit - felt like morning sickness - but nothing came out. I walked around with both hands cradling my bizarrely protruding tummy. I treaded lightly with sole-on-first - liked ballet dancing around the house. And i felt like a handicap - not able to lift a hand to house chores because bending down to pick up something from the floor seems like a algebra maths work.

Today doc ran another blood check on my vitals and the result was normal. Ok, that's good but i still felt zombied around with a painful huge belly. I even shied away from public and neighbors fearing they would spot my tummy and prop the annoying question like "how many months along are you?" - a simple question but with a bizarre answer "one week".

Apart from the bizarre waistline, the messy and nasty progesterone suppository (inserted thrice daily), this afternoon till now, i actually felt more alert and agile. I feel good enough to sit up now to blog, though my round six-month-lookalike tummy bumps against the desk from time to time.

Doc warned that my condition may worsen in the coming days due to the increase of the natural progesterone manufacture by the babies placentas. Of which is a very good sign that all my babies are growing healthily in me.

Increasing natural placenta + synthetic progesterone = monstrous tummy bloating!

Ok, i've been warned. And now i need to get motivated to endure the storm coming. For now, i better go drink up Dino dad's homemade nutritious herbal chicken soup. I need all the energy to keep my mental health straight to face the pain. I can't complain and can't back out. This is what i have always wanted.

Cycle 28 @ Week 1 day 3 : Embryos Tranfer

When Dino dad and i finally decided to put down all works-in-hand, it was almost 1pm. Though there were still voluminous jobs incomplete, the next task demanded our undivided attention and we needed to be hurry so that we wouldn't get trapped in the Friday prayer jam. With synchronized minds together, we reached the hospital at 1.30pm - half an hour early.

Doc did a preliminary routine checks on me and the ultrasound showed fluid clear. Good to go.

After drinking two cups of water and was instructed to hold urine until procedure, the nurse guided me to the IVF department. While i was crossing to the changing room, i caught sight of a monitor screen depicting a very typical almost-black-and-white image of three cells. Excitement spiked and i froze on my steps. The petite embryologist saw me captivated by the screen and probably decided that she could help to make my this-historic day more significant. Within the quiet lab, she spoken "These are your good embryos. The healthiest ones." Yay, i sang in my heart and my face beamed like i'd just won a hundred thousand lottery. She continued, "The one on top left is the biggest and most active - today it reaches seven cells. The two at the bottom here reached four cells and still dividing." For one instant moment my mind already pictured a bigger child...haha...silly me.

She continued to repeat what doc mentioned just now at the clinic, "It was a good sign you managed to produced as many as fifteen eggs. Most women over age 36 would be lucky if we could harvest as many as four in each hyperstimulation. But, many of your eggs were not healthy enough to survive the fertilization process. We managed to observed four good quality embryos and we have picked the best three for you today." Immediately floods of raw information started flashing through my minds; could this be the reason why i haven't been able to conceive naturally, because my eggs were simply bad eggs - bad eggs that would eventually die off through natural gene processing and flushed out through the monthly periods. I even started pointing fingers to the hypothyrodism relapse that could very well contributed directed to bad manufacturing of eggs.

Before i wanted to suggest freezing the fourth guy (my sole surviving embryo) - so i could chance upon retrieving him if this round fails - the embryologist proceeded to parrot doc's earlier words, "we wouldn't recommend freezing because it does not have as strong quality as the top three." I felt a pang of guilt to having waste this fourth guy and not giving him a chance. I wanted to dwell longer on this issue but the nurses were hurrying me to change for the procedure - doc is arriving soon.

After changing into the white bare-backside robe, i walked into the cold operating theatre and was guided to the bed. Very quickly, the nurses worked to tilt, spread my legs - so wide i could die from embarrassment - and propped strapped to the leg holders. Now i was having my vaginal on display - urgghhhhhhh......... Its not that i haven't done it before but i was on local anesthetized during the oocytes-pickup procedure - at least, i was totally knocked out and have no recollection of how they could have tasked on my lower body. But today, i am all wide awake and...damn anxious. Worst of all, the UFO-liked disc surgical lights was spotlighting into my open legs while other lights were turned off.

Doc came in and the clock showed 3.15pm. Doc signaled for starting procedure. Doc was guided by ultrasound images displayed on a huge something like a fifty-foot flat screen LCD next to my bed. My heart was thumping violently all the while anticipating the hideous tool that would jagged open my vaginal entry. But the procedure was quick. It felt like only seconds when the doc finally pulled out the jag and directed me to witness my history-in-making - the ultrasound showed doc's sured action in releasing one...two...and three tiny little white dots into an area named endometrium. I was so elated. The profound experience of witnessing three living embryos being put into that black and white pocket - which i was told its my womb - was simply ......wow! I wished Dino dad was in there too. The doc, sensing my silence, he raised his head over my leg cover and lean closer to see my face to check on my expression. He for one was beaming.

Then lights came back on. Progesterone suppository was inserted into my vaginal and i was wheeled back to the ward for two hours bed rest. Doc said images cannot be saved or emailed out of the lab. Under Dino dad's assertive persistency, doc reluctant allowed photo-taking with my Nokia E66. Surprising the images came out perfect.

At the ward, within the curtain, i finally gave in - i cried with Dino dad. Relating to him the wonderful ultrasound images and feeling the miracle of science firsthand. We hugged each other quietly, living in the moment, that we are now officially proud parents of three. It was a very very very long wait - close to two and a half years. The moment was euphoric. No words could describe my heartfelt contents at that moment.

Sleep didn't invade me. Probably overjoyed. We spent the next two hours talking softly brainstorming names. By 5.30pm, i was given the green light to go home and whamp....baby luck did manifested - we unbelievably beat the usual Friday home-rush jam and reached home through a newly discovered shortcut, of which the journey would otherwise consume one and a half hour.

I spend the rest of the whole Saturday acting like a worm - laying either on bed or the sofa curling up with Twilight Saga in my hand. Left all house chores to Dino dad - he took them all happily.

Then attended Joey Yap's talk on Sunday learning more about all-things-tiger luck.

Cycle 28 @ Week 1 day 4 : My babies as one with me

Seow Jasper, Seow Edward and if there's a girl among them, she'd be named Seow Ivanna.

They're now at home with us. Protected warmly within my womb.

I think i'd better stay off the blog for the first five days, at least, after the implantation period. Though doc said i can resume life normally except tuning out activities that require excessive walking or climbing, i still want to stick to my silly if not ridiculous plan, just to lie on my back for the rest of the fours days.

I have every intention to make worth the hardwork we've put for the past twenty seven dreadful months not to mention harnessing more success rates to not make our MYR20,000 goes to waste. To many, this sum is absurdly bizarre to even think it'd cost to create babies - that it could do much more liked to support the living expenses of a family of four in Kuala Lumpur for ten months.

Cycle 28 @ day 15 (Jan 14) - Gastric attack

I woke up with the small aches all over my body plus an exceptionally bloated stomach that felt painful when i lightly jab it with my fingers. Figured that i might be overly hungry and gas built-up.

I walked like a zombie on flat shoes. Liked any regular morning, Dino dad and i always stopped by the Malay store nearby our office to have morning tea. I had no appetite but forced down two slices of toast and a cup of cham. But still my stomach ached whole day making me couldn't concentrate much at work.

I zombied through the rest of the day, skipping lunch, to finish up urgent jobs in hand. By 3pm, i was beginning to put my medical instinct cap on. I thought maybe i was having a gastric attack. Being an O-type, i could have had too little meaty in my diet for the past two week and yesterday fasting had sort of full-blown it. Dino dad bought two pieces of KFC for me. Soon after that, i did felt a little better. Without thinking much, i hurried burning jobs into a DVD to take home with me as i will not be entering this office again at least for the next five to seven days. I just couldn't afford to do any climbing of three flights of stairs at every morning, every lunch and every evening. I must stay off activity so the least impact sent off from my both of my soles the better chance of survival for my three babies.

By 7pm, i reached home still feeling the same stomach pain. I suddenly became a doc and thought of 'antacid'. I summarized that owing to my low appetite ever since i started the jabs some three weeks ago, i actually took a little food that i lost 2 kg in three weeks. I was happy about it. But could this be the slowly building up of acidic environment in my stomach and only to me made full blown by the fourteen-hour fasting for the eggs-pick-up procedure? I put on a smug face to myself. To be sure i called up my doc but he was no help. He didn't answer directly to my question as first. He only acknowledged my gastric query after i furnished him with so in-depth details. Sigh....so much for being a specialist. Blah!

So Dino dad drove off to get me antacid pills and a pack of chocolate milk. While i was waiting for the pills to take effect, Dino dad was bent on thinking bird nest's alkaline can cure my overly acidic stomach.

Ok, now, its been ten minutes i finished off the three-finger-size bird-nest soup and still waiting for the comfort to come by. In the meantime, i should retire for the day now so to prepare my body with full rest ready to receive my babies into my womb tomorrow at 2pm. Though now we are officially parents, but to seal that feeling more concretely, i can't wait for the three boys to be as one with me. Its a day i have waited for twenty eight months. Sweet dreams to myself

cycle 28 @ day 14 (Jan 13) - Oocyte-Pick-Up

hCG injected on me at exactly 12 midnight on Jan 11 to trigger final maturation and ovulation of my eggs.

After 34 hours, we found ourselves dragged out of bed at 6.30am to make it through to the hospital before the early morning traffic started. We reached the hospital at 7.15am - forty five minutes earlier then appointed. So i accompanied Dino dad breakfast with simple fried beehoon and eggs while i just sit and read my favorite book - The Twilight - through my half opened morning eyes. I was fasting for eight hours.

By 830am, Dino dad was led to that private room with dim lights to produce his sperms in a tube while i was led to the ward to get dressed in the open-backside-robe. It was quite chilly when i stepped foot into the little operating theatre where a warm smiling middle-aged woman in green surgery robe greeted me. Her smile sort of calmed me down a little for i haven't been in a operating theatre a long time, and no idea what to expect next.

This lady cooed me softly into position on the surgery bed and fumbled expertly with the top side of my left palm. I instinctively knew that she needed to insert an IV. Do i need that, i thought quietly, careful not to bring my inquisitive personality into this room. Trying to be smarty wouldn't help me relaxed, i told myself. Then she said "Can call the boss in already."

I turned to look at my left side and observed my embryologist was preparing something on the other side of the mirrored room and the next thing i'd awared of was me waking up in a bed on the ward floor. Huh? What'd happened? So fast? I didn't even remember loosing consciousness.

When i woke, a nurse was busying herself by my side. In my half drifty consciousness, i immediately remembered to remind the doc i want boys for my babies. I didn't get to say it in the operating theatre. The nurse assured me she will relay the message to my doc and then i lost consciousness again.

The air-conditioning was so cold it made me shivered down to my bone. I felt my right arm being squeezed tightly and i opened my foggy eyes to see a BP machine being attached to me. It released pressure to check on my BP at half an hour interval. Then i started to realize my lower abdominal was cramping. It brought back memory in a flash of how i'd felt the time after my first abortion some thirteen years ago. Ohhh....uncomfortable - the cramping, the overly cold air-conditioning, and strapped with a pad!

In foggy brain, i informed the nurse of my condition and asked for a cup of hot water. She returned with a warm water instead! With my low tolerance to pain, my temper was rising. I politely insisted for hot water. Yay! she made it back correct the second time but, later i found out she did not lower the air-conditioning. I sipped hot water so fast it kinda burnt my tongue a little. Fortunately i was too numb to feel the pain. I held on to the mug to warm my hands and drifted back to sleep.

Sleep for the next hours was fitful. Tossing around - pain on my left hand with the IV still intact with no medicine attached and the BP strapped to my right arm while my body continues to shiver. How can this happen? Someone must get me answers. I flagged down a nurse and again told her that i am still very cold. "Is this a normal post op?", i asked. She replied "No." I puzzled. Then i asked for another hot drink and to have my IV be taken off with heavy frowning set on my forehead and my long hairs dropping everywhere. Now to think of myself at that moment i could have looked like a vampire in rage...hoho.

The nurse returned my a hot milo instead. Hmm, better. Again, i sipped too quickly and it burned other parts of my tongue. Sigh...still cold. But feeling a little warmer. Thinking i was good to go home, i dialed for Dino dad to pick me up. When i sat up on the bed, boy, the room was spinning. I had to pee and i couldn't see clear. The nurse offered to bring me a pee-pan. Eww! pee on bed, no way. I'd rather walked and knocked my face on the wall then to lie back and pee in front of the nurse. As obstinate as i was told since young, i slowly got up off the bed, disrobed the surgery clothing, pulled on my T-shirt and shit....the stupid pad has a death-knot. While waiting for the nurse to bring a scissor, i fumbled with the knot and stood exposed my naked lower body in front of the other nurse standing nearby to assist. How embarrassing now having to think back.

Stubbornly i pulled on my jeans. The nurse brought a wheelchair and wheeled me to the bathroom. I stumbled to the door stupidly while my head continued to spin. The i was wheeled back to my bed and Dino dad arrived. He was shocked to learn of my complication and he was already up onto the second floor by my side in just a few seconds. I told him my conditions and he immediately understood. He'd relayed the message to the nurses and this time, the air-conditioner really did switched off. Huh! i knew it. They didn't take me seriously the first time. Thanks for my half-functioning brain, otherwise they would have gotten a nice rap from me. Don't blame me, the doc sure did not pre-amp of this possible post-op symptoms. They didn't even acknowledge my symptoms as if mine was the first in their list of cases. Apparently, the doc had missed that procedure. He didn't even advised me to abstain from sex! - with me so horny from all the FSH jabs! We could have had sex the night before and reduced the chances of good volume. Bizarre!

Next, out of no where, my favorite petite embryologist appeared by my side. She instructed to take some reading to check if i had a temperature. It was tough catch - because i just had two cups of hot drink. So my embryologist assured me that she would try to pick 'boy' sperms for us but no guarantee that there wouldn't be a 'girl' sperm that strong enough to pass off to reach my eggs. I told her its fine if i should get a girl among the three babies. She congratulated me for producing a strong fifteen band of oocytes. And Dino dad's sperms were healthy to be utilized up to 90%. Again, i grimace - why couldn't we just conceive naturally?

When the cold subsided to a tolerable level, i was able to communicate with my embryologist better. She said the lower abdominal cramping was normal and some would experience it up to three days, with some lasting to two weeks. Bizarre! She shoved a pack of progesterone tablets and instructed to insert twos every night and twos every morning till i am to be due back for embryo transfer on Friday Jan 15, 2pm. The progesterone will work to form a conducive environment for my babies prior to have them transferred back into my womb two days later.

I was wheeled down to the parking lot and Dino dad drove me home straight only stopping by a petrol station to get me two 100-plus. I felt liked i was extremely dehydrated. The dizziness did not stop. The cold did returned. With brain half-conscious, i dashed for an amazingly fast 2-minute hot shower, gulped down a strip of gardenia rosemary flavor bread - just to fill my fortheen-hour empty stomach - washed the bread down with 100-plus then coiled up beneath my comforter to drift off into a restful sleep. Nothing beats the comfort of home-sweet-home.

It was about 4.30pm when i woke up after a two hour rest. Aduii......my whole body feeling just not right - muscle aching all over and my lower abdominal continued to cramp. Feeling lethargic but not sleepy, i coiled up in my TV sofa to read on Twilight. Dino dad returned home about 6pm and my condition hasn't got better. Having to subject him to stress seeing me in pain and nothing he could do about, he was so tired, he dozed off after shower right after dinner at 8.30pm. Poor him.

The rest of the evening was spent in a vaguely mood. I continued to suffer in silence, the self-inflicted pain to so wanna be a mom; the constant mild cramping of my lower abdomen, the nasty progesterone oozing stickiness on my panty-liner, the on-off feverish symptoms of chill and sweat, muscle aching and the unexplained stomach congestion that made breathing laborious.

In my quiet between pages, i couldn't help wandering my mind to the lab in the hospital imagining my babies were growing in the small incubating lab plates or whatever it is called. Have they turned four-cells yet? Smiling, i drifted off to fitful sleep again with the chilling and sweating symptoms.

cycle 28 @ day 12 - HcG day!

Just came back from the hospital 40 minutes ago with fantastic news - i am growing eggs liked a fat hen. The vaginal scan showed my right ovaries is carrying almost all perfect eight 18mm eggs with two already reached 20mm and 21mm each. The left ovaries has less but five almost perfect sizes with 2 large ones at 21mm and 22mm. Boy! if that does not declare me as a fertile woman, then what is?

Seemed liked the eggs are growing faster than expected - two days ago the scan showed them at less than 15mm. Next stage is hatching induction for thirty hours. I am to report back to the hospital on Jan 13, 9am, for egg retrieval and Dino dad would be needed to produce fresh sperms into tub in a snazzy private room decorated with posters of blonde nudes and some assorted X-rated videos....hehehe.

Looks like everything going smooth in favor to us. Let's do a checklist:

1. That hated illegal bridge construction directly right in front of my house has finally, thanks to all gods of this world, completed on 26 December 2009. I have always blamed it for causing me failed pregnancy all these three years.

2. I have chose a great day to renovate my front porch in hope to renew the lousy chi that has plagued my house since the construction started four years ago. The renovation work has somehow surged an increase of new jobs for our company - a great start 2010 indeed!!!

3. Pepsi has fully recovered from her skin disease and she is now as happy as a puppy despite her eleven years of age.

4. I have found Twilight series and they have afloat me in dream-liked state since Christmas. Edward Cullen and Bella Swan have some how keep my waking hours occupied and made the daily morning and night jabs tolerable. And i am still crazy over them. Darn! can't wait for the release of New Moon DVD.

5. All physical signs are at accurate timing - hypothyroid under controlled, breast tenderness increased, consistent mucous discharge and getting very horny all before ovulation! Previous months timing were all wrong.

6. Our master bedroom will have the illness start be replaced with a white wealth star on Feb 4, 2010.

7. And i am growing eggs in water month (my output) and to be continued into mao (tiger) month - a wood month which is also my most important useful god.

8. Exam just over on Jan 9. Group project just handed in. Personal report passed up.

9. The new tenant of my condo has started into their second months rental with RM50 increase monthly, yahoo! And they are helping me to service my refinanced loan with excess for me to finance my tuition fee. Fantastic!

10. Best of all, our bank account has just received MYR128,000 cash today. Yeepee!!!! our hard earned effort and perseverance of eleven years paid off. Tomorrow night, we are going sushi buffet to celebrate - its my last sushi till i eat again in three years - and to do some serious shopping for our wardrobe and face-care.

(Long exhale.....hah..........) Finally. We will be parents in thirty hours. What's the time now? 10pm? Got to go back to the hospital in by midnight for the final HcG jab shortly.

Twilight Saga

I am at shock with myself. Saw the first Twilight movie on StarMovie on somewhere middle of Dec 2009 and now i am acting like a teenager going absolutely ga-ga over this novel-turn-movie series.

Bought all 4 books Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn and finished off New Moon 600-odds pages in 3 days. Spent the whole end of Dec 2009 hiding at my favorite reading corner at the house pouring into these pages like an unexplainable romantic teenager relive.

Now i am on a ferocious hunt for the movie New Moon. I can't even concentrate work not thinking about the handsome Edward Cullen. My mind even replay some romantic scenes read from the books while i drive.

As crazy as i sound but i am not shy. Surfing the nets for downloading collections of The Twilight casts like i was at 15. I have got to check on myself where did this sudden influx of adrenalin for teenage romance came from when i am done and through with this fever later.

Unbelievable at myself - madness.

cycle 28 @ day 5 - Dino dad's birthday

As any other morning Dino dad'd prepare the syringe on the bed fully dressed in office wear while i'd still be naked ransacking the wardrobe right after shower. He usually sits on the bed while i stand for him to administer the injection onto my belly area at his eye level.

This morning, Dino dad got naughty. His mouth grabbed my right nipple suddenly after administering the drug. Well, its not that its something for me to pretend shy, its just that he came too suddenly that jolted the regular morning zombie mood which i have been adopting ever since i started school at age seven. And that nipple-sucking act aroused the heat raging from below my pelvic area - especially when i am going through intensive egg-brooding therapy. But pity, the urgency of Monday morning did not allow the luxury to rip our clothes off and hit right on for a morning romp like we were 25.

Now thinking back, i should have just insisted on that. It was his 40th birthday.

All but not late. Compensated with long and steamy episodes right after dinner

cycle 28 @ day 3 - Started nightly FSH injections

Finally. The period came on Dec 31 late evening - 5 days late - and i thought its not gonna come due me going into a menopause stage. Phew!

Ok, it seems i am getting jab not only every morning, i am getting poked nightly at the medical center too. Ouw!!!! the night jabs hurts. Syringe is huge!!

I supposedly to see doc on day 2 but it fell on Jan 1, 2010. So went to see doc on Jan 2 (day-3) at 10am and took my blood for hormone assay. The female doc was terrible at her job - poking a huge syringe into my arm searching for vein - unbelievable!! Suffered me.....

Then i was back to the center at 7.30pm same day for my first FSH inject by a nurse and it was hell! My buttock hurt bad. Bloody nurse.

Arrrgggg..... its only the first FSH. And i have 14 nights to go!