Oh! abdomen cramping

Oh! my abdomen is having a mild cramp now. I just finished a post 30 seconds ago and i have to document this cramp. If i really got pregnant this month, i want to let baby Dino knows exactly when the egg-house, follicle, is about to make a hole for the ovum to come and embark on a journey to find the other half that could complete 'U'. I sure hope i am now going through a phase of LH (Luteinizing Hormone produced by the anterior pituitary gland) surge to make all that because the cramping has been going for almost 30 minutes by now. Nope, it not nature's call, done that in the afternoon.

Bloating - yes yes yes, very much bloated. My stomach has been looking like a 3-month-old pregnancy for the past 2 weeks. Hate this bloating. So uncomfortable. 

Water retention - just started to notice this evening. Eyes puffy. I only had 5 glasses of water today plus 2 teh-o limau panas kurang manis just now with Dr Rajah at Kota Damansara.

Here i am hoping fervently for my judgement to increase my thyroxine dosage to 75mg can help to level back my TSH level to normal. I had a 5.0ulU/ml tested on 11 June 08. Hypothyroidism affects fertility and that's what i am fight against.

Dr Prashant has certified Dino dad as 'normal'. So, there's no issue with that. Me, aside from hypothyroidsm, i have excellent levels, taken on Day 3 Jan 2008, on Prolactin at 14.5 ug/L, FSH 5.9 IU/L and LH 5.9 IU/L. By normal standard, i should be able to ovulate if its without the influence from hypothyroidsm. Heck, previously was hyperthyroid and now hypothyroid. I dare not even go test for autoimmune. 

Consulted about IVF too. 'That' doctor was not helping, despite having gone through all my lab reports. Showering me with cold water throughout the 1 hours consultation. Repeatedly reminding me that i would have less than 10% chance to conceive naturally. The next best step is Laparoscopy to take a good look inside my reproduction chamber and its surroundings. Of course its a good solution, it costs between 4,000 - 6,000 MYR!!! Let me do the math, if i have a clean bill from laparoscopy, 4-6k is used. The next stage is IUI which range from 2,000-3,000MYR. If that's not successful, IVF is my last solution that could run from 20,000 to 32,000 (twice IVF). If i ever conceive after all, baby Dino would value at 40,000-45,000MYR when i take him or her home with us.

There were many many many times that i would love to scream my lungs out and repeating the reasoning exercise to a wall. My friends do not have thyroid problems. Though its not a grave disease when treated early and it has long been classified as a very 'common' thing in today's health issue, AND I HAVE TO GET IT. One of my client has just given birth to her first child at age 38. She conceived after 4 months trying. My other friend even tried to abort a 2 months pregnancy but carried to full term and brought home a healthy bouncing baby boy. Another friend has had a stillborn boy but was successful with the second son. And women in the third world countries around the world are giving birth everyday like nobody's business. Babies were carried to full term in malnourished moms and born in deploring condition and yet survived to adulthood. Siiggghhhh......i am beginning to feel tired or trying. 

First breast tenderness felt before ovulation

Every month i keep a watchful lookout for any new pattern change in my body and sure enough there must be at least one new symptom appear. For this month, June 2008, i notice my breast tenderness came earlier than my ovulation day. Its the first since i started tracking in August 2007. Of course it normal for 'any other' woman that walks on the street, but not me. I have to say i am quite pleased with this symptom because it shows sign that i might be back on track to be 'normal' like other women.

Normally, as a 'normal' woman nears midcycle, she enters the ovulating phrase in which the estrogen level will rise to make the woman's body more fertile. The first few signs are usually breast tenderness, bloating and increase of cervical fluids (the wet days). For the first time since August 2007, i have all 3 symptoms, the latest being my breasts beginning to feel painful to touch today. For bloating, yeah, its nothing new. Most probably caused by my drop in metabolisme rate due to my hypothyroid. Most obvious since Dr Christina advised me to start on 50mg in May 2008. I certainly hope that my own decision to resume 75mg would help to level back my TSH level from 5.0 ulU/ml.

I had my first day of menses on June 6, two days late from May's . So, if the ovulation calculator is right, i should be ovulating between 22 - 24 June. Hard work has started since June 14 to maximize our chances, a regular mission ever since we made a serious decision to try for one back in June 2007. See the frequency of failures here? Arrrggghhhh. 

Flower my 2008 birthday

dearest Dino hubby gave me a lovely rose bouquet on my 2008 birthday.

muah muah!!

Surprised to see a Jia turned creative with expression. Not so Jia after all...haha

Please spay your cats

Cats breed fast!

For cats owners, please watch this well made video by PETA. If you are not owning cats but able to touch cats, please extend your compassionate hands to help control the over-breeding of stray cats within your residential area.

Fail the 11th time!

At around 6:30pm just now, fresh red blood flowing when i got up from my Electone. I was half way with the song "Don't Cry Out Loud". I think i have reached the point where i no more feel despair seeing my mensus arrival. As a matter of fact, i have been cursing silently lately to the unborn child "Its your loss for not choosing to be my child. I can give you so much wealth to living than other parent can." I have turned nasty. I have passed beyond despair and disappointment. If this is my negative karma is taking effect on me for have had sent more than 15 dogs for spaying and neutering the past 10 years, then let it be. If my contributing to the society's healthy living by controlling the unnecessary spreading of unwanted puppies and kitties is a mega sin and my retribution is hypothyroidsm, then it is the world's loss in not getting another well-bred person to head the future world. I have already refrain myself and Dino dad from interfering with strays since June 2007. We have tried very hard not to cross path with ill-fated strays, scared to be brought home with us again and eventually lead to spaying (for female) or neutering (for male). Isn't that enough? 

Yes, of course, it could be the negative karmic effect on me from my abortion of a fetus 11 years ago. No denying, the abortion was intentional. At exactly 1.5 months. I even had fully knowledge how baby can comes from but curiosity into sexual desire overpowered. But after that experience, we have been very careful and there were no repeat. After 11 years of very 'responsible' sexual act, i think we have paid our due, haven't we? Look at the other side. There are tons of couples aborting babies everyday. Some even go through few abortion yet they still get their baby at just the right time that they think they are ready to settle down. Why can't we? The lower income groups are producing babies to the extend of contributing useless beings to the society. 

Current symptoms: I had 75mg thyroxine last night. Still feel very bloated today. As i am writing now too. The signs of dropping back to hypothyroid level is very obvious. Arrrrggggg.......almost every one i see on the street would have no problem bearing children.

Got to see Dr Prashant tomorrow. Got to seriously consult him for immediate treatment. We have to have a successful concept in June. We want the child to be born in February 2007, the beginning of spring in the lunar calendar, if its carried to full term, i certainly hope.

OHHHHH NOOOOOOO! i've just remember..... tomorrow is Agong's birthday. Will Dr Prashant be opened for business tomorrow???? If not, damn, its really my karma taking effect on us. Missing tomorrow would be like throwing my ideal birth plan to thrash, as tomorrow is day 2 of my mensus for taking up the fist clomid pill in my first cycle.

We are doommmm

To excite or to stress

Again! The state of intense suspension. Hate it, love it, hate it, love it, which one????I am 2 days late for my period. Last month started flowing on May 4 while Dino dad and me were on Day 2 in Luang Prabang, Laos.

Aaarrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhh.........................this is the 11th month being put in such waiting for the 11th time. Though last month wasn't that worrisome as we were exhausted after been bounced up and down on a 3 hours off-road hill track for Hmong Village in Luang Prabang. (To view images of Luang Prabang, please visit my other blog at imagesoftheeast@blogspot.com)

My breast tenderness has subsided totally but my breasts remain firmer than even during the FSH stage. In most pregnancy websites would confirm that the subsiding of breast tenderness means a sure sign of not pregnant. I know, i know, to test with a urine dip is my best solution. But i don't want to be disappointed again.

I am feeling quite bloated today. Past 3 days were worst. I suspect its due to the imbalance thyroid hormone. I am having this crazy rationale that i might have conceived this time and the development of my baby needs my body to produce even more thyroid hormones to create the right environment for implantation. But my body has yet to reach the full stability stage and the development could have knocked off my current thyroid balance. In the past 3 months, my blood tests on TSH (included T3 & T4) were consistently improving from 6.32 in December 2007 down to 0.22 in May 2008. My GP Dr Christina Cheah was quite happy with my performance. (Me too, i lost 4kg in between November 2007 to February 2008.) Anyway, it could very well be repeating the August 2007 mega disappointment - i was actually 7 days late before the mensus started to flow.

I notice my face has turned very smooth and supple. This has never happened ever since i was diagnosed with hypothyroid in September 2007. Back then, my skin were cheezy to the touch of my fingers every time i applied skincare. I can't seem to stop touching my face these few days. I was having not just good but great skin before hypo. Could this be a first hormonal change due to pregnancy? I have read about how pregnancy makes ugly betty into barbie.

Ok, actually, there's another symptom: i feel more horny. Due to pregnancy homo change? I really like to think so, but it couldn't be, could it? For a fact, my libido has increase ever since my TSH reduces, except for this whole month. But according to observation in patterning my body these few month, sexual desires usually ring on my door bell around the LH stage. Why, why why now? Don't care. I think its healthier for me to find exist tonight with Dino dad than to torture my mental state with this whole menses late issue.