Cycle 18 : day 32 - menses arrived

...... another failed cycle. Menses flushing.

Appointment with doc tomorrow to start the first step of IUI.

Too sad to blog  I'm not sure if i could bring myself to adore a baby anymore should i really eventually given birth to one later. Too many draining months of agony and frustration. I am beginning to loose the yearning.

In fact, i am feel i'm bending towards the desire to conquer a challenge rather than nurturing a mother-and-child bond. Probably this bond has never been in me all along. Reality check: we have never really had strong desire for kids. Many a times we looked at each other's face in disgust over some neighbors' kids shouting in their play and moms screaming from few yards away. More put off when these kids dropped by to sneer at our furkids and shouting nonsensically "anjing! anjing!" Even more nauseated by their 'kampung-ite' parents.

Listen to myself!! Words of hates!! ...better stop. Go to sleep.

Cycle 18 : Day 30 - Spotting!!!

Oh no! don't look good.
Mild lower abdominal twitching since morning.

Paid twice homage to Kam Fa Leong Leong - once last evening and again this morning. 

How can i apply the law of attraction when i have been spotting since morning??

Sigh...... don't care anymore. I want to sleep now. Just hope the spotting will stop soon.

Cycle 18: Day 17 - Applying The Law Of Attraction

No time to waste. I think i might have conceived by now. Breasts pain growing. Time to press this new found Secret to test. Of course, i damn hope it works for me.

Step 1 : To relax the mind.

Meditate for 5 to 10 minutes. Doing this will increase my brain power and have my mind at relax state.

Step 2 : Be sure about what i want.

I WANT TO BE SUCCESSFUL IN NATURALLY CONCEIVING A PAIR OF HEALTHY TWIN BOYS THIS MONTH AND BIRTH THEM SAFELY BY NOVEMBER 2009.

I will delete these words from my wishes: No, Not, None, Out, Debts, Claims and all negatived.

Step 3 : Ask the Universe for it. Here i go...

"I HAVE SUCCEEDED IN NATURALLY CONCEIVING A PAIR OF HEALTHY TWIN BOYS NOW AND CARRYING THEM THROUGH SAFELY AND DELIVER THEM SAFELY BY NOVEMBER 2009."

Step 4 : Write down my wish. Here i go...
I HAVE SUCCEEDED IN NATURALLY CONCEIVING A PAIR OF HEALTHY TWIN BOYS NOW AND CARRYING THEM THROUGH SAFELY, AND DELIVER THEM SAFELY BY NOVEMBER 2009.

Step 5 : Visualize it. Lots of images.

Step 6 : Feel it.

Feel the way i will now after receiving my wish. I must act, speak, and think as if i am receiving it now. This is actually the most important, powerful step in using the Attraction's Law because this is where it starts working.

Step 7 : Believe in the unseen.

Think about this alternate dimension that is almost exactly like the real world but whatever i truly desire comes true in an instant. See myself in that dimension, where whatever i ask the Universe for comes to you in an instant. When i do the Universe also turn those thoughts and feelings into realty. Reviewing step 6: When i act, think, and speak like it's happening or i have it right now, the Universe will shift all the people, events, and circumstances so my request prospers. Keep in mind that my thoughts must contain only thoughts and feelings that i have it. If my thoughts contain me not having it, then that's why i don't yet have it.

Step 8 : Show gratitude.

On the reverse side (or a new one if i used up the back) of the paper, write down everything i'd thankful for. It also helps to put down all the things the Universe has given me. It helps to be thankful for what i already have and be thankful for all the things the Universe has given me. The Universe has done a lot of things for me and my family. Paying the Universe back with some gratitude will motivate the Universe to do even more things and will draw more things into my life. If i were once bullied and that person stopped, that's one thing to be thankful for. I should also thank the Universe for this process too. Showing gratitude will turbo boost the Universe to manifest my request faster.

Step 9 : See my request going to the Universe.

Close my eyes and see my request going out after clearing my mind, decided what i wanted, written down what i wanted, experienced the thing or person, and wrote down what i was thankful for. Go on about my life. I still should feel, and think about it but have a positive attitude.

Step 10 : Keep my faith.

Send out my good feelings. Have unwavering faith. The more faith i have the faster my wish will come.

Step 11 : Have positive thoughts and feelings.

I won't be happy all the time and this is fine. But at least think good thoughts or recall the last good thing that happened with me. Just listen to some music or do something i enjoy.

Step 12 : Relax and Allow!!!.

This is where i tend to mess-up. It's because i want the thing so bad i look around for situations that "pertain" to manifesting my desire. Don't. Just put out a clear request, visualize it, and let the Universe do it's work. If i have to keep an eye out for an event that manifests my wish, it's only telling the Universe i don't have it and i will attract... not having it. This is one of the most important steps in this process.

Step 13 : Be patient.

Don't get upset if these things don't happen immediately. In all actuallity it takes the Universe less then a second to create $1,000,000 as it takes $1. See the things i want as already mine. The universe is always answering my every commands. Don't stress the "how" of things. Let the Universe do it for me. When i take the Universe's job of worrying about the "how", this says i'm lacking faith and that i'm telling the Universe what to do when the Universe has far greater knowledge and power than human mankind.

Cycle 18 : Day 17 - Missed the chance to do IUI

Oh, how can i missed the day-calculation.

Wait, i need to take this down.

• Mensus day 1 was on Jan 26.
  
• Vaginal-scan on Feb 8 (Day 14) at 10.15am shown egg was still sitting inside my right ovary. Breasts beginning to pain mildly.
• Sex on Feb 9, 5pm.
• Vaginal-scan on Feb 11 (Day 17) at 12pm shown an empty ovary. Egg has left the building. But not sure of the departure time and date. Had another round of sex at 8pm as an insurance to conception.

Did some research on Dino dad's antibiotic Doxy100 last night. Got scared by the fact that it could reduce man's fertility, i rang up the doc this morning to see if we were still in time for IUI.

While waiting for doc's feedback, i had a quick-share with the embryologist, a nice soft-speaking lady. Through her many cases of patient's successful pregnancy, she reckoned that the side effects caused to a man's fertility by antibiotics prescribed for fever, cough syrup or sore throat should be least worried for. The more dangerous drugs were those prescribed for i.e. hypertension and diabetise.

I told her that Dino dad's morphology is poorly analized at 27%. She assured me that her past patients had successful pregnancy at less than 10% morphology, hence, 27% is considered 'good'. 

She made my day. Love her lots. After thanking her, without hesitation, i drove myself 25km to have my egg scanned. But too late, it has departed from my ovary. My desire to try conceive with a pool of good sperms was dashed.

Now, sitting in front of this blog, i have to apply The Law Of Attraction. It better work. I am now sending out this signal:

" I WANT TO NATURALLY CONCEIVE AND CARRY THROUGH A PAIR OF HEALTHY TWIN BOYS. I WANT AND WILL BELIEVE I CAN. AND I WANT CYCLE 18 TO BE THE CYCLE TO BRING HOME MY OWN BABIES (hehe...twins.)"

Very greedy, i know. But hey, The Secrets people made even greedier wishes than mine and they claimed their wishes materialized. So why not. No harm. The worst could happen is another disappointment and to sulk for a few days. It's not like i've never been disappointed before. Helloooo, 17th cycles remember?

Tomorrow, we will make a wow with Kam Fa Leong Leong and ask for blessing. This time with a Ah Pok Sifu's help. 

Cycle 18 - Here we go again

For a moment there i've lost tracked of the cycle-count. Oh yeah, its the 18th cycle, after running through my article library.

The pain caused by flushing of my tubes are all gone now. Diarrhea stopped too. Dr. assured me that the pain was a good sign that my tubes are patent. 

Next stage of investigation: Ovulation scan, on Feb 8, 10am (Sunday). It was a nice breezy morning drive throughout the journey to Klang. Reached the center at 9.30am and there were already four couples waiting their turns. These people are early. It was Sunday, man. 

I was kinda good mood until the nurse told me that the Dr couldn't make it. I mean, it was a very important TTC step, well, at least to us, and another Dr would not grasp the magnitude of it. Having driven some 25km, we'd decided to settle with the replacement Dr. We knew the process anyway. We adjourned to the opposite mamak store to have a breakfast of nasi lemak bungkus and cham while listening to the cheerful chipping of numerous swiftlets zooming playfully nearby a bird-shop-lot.

It's our turn. We went in and surprised to see our favorite Dr. He made it to work! Immediately we felt relieved. "Prop on the bed to do an ovulation test", Dr told me and then turned to advised the nurse "vaginal scan". Damn! I thought to myself. Another poke with that thing!! (Swore silently).

18.4cm - the size of my egg, and its coming from the right ovary. I saw it, a big blackened round image shown on the screen. Dr declared "Get together today onwards". Aw.... doc is such a modest guy. I pretended an emotionless face while my throat convulsed with laughters. Dr continued "the egg will be released in another two days". 

Good to know as this is the first time we documented my ovulation through trans-vaginal ultrasound. What did i do previously? Oh yeah, observing mucous...whoa hahaha.

However, Dino dad's sperm morphology indicated caution. It dropped to 29%. It didn't surprised us. He has been on heavy dosages of antibiotic for high fever, sore throat and synflex for headaches since the fifth day of Chinese Year. And worst of all, he was diagnosed with middle-ear-imbalance yesterday and Dr loaded another bulging-filled bag of medication for it. 

Upon quieting down in the afternoon, we looked at each other, shaked our heads and sighhhhhhh......... . We decided to go for IUI instead but alas, Thaipusam was on the next day. Feeling gloomy, i spent the remaining 4 hours of the afternoon cleaning my one-year-untouched storeroom while Dino dad went for his business appointment with a metal buyer. Look what i found tugged deep inside my dungeon - my original oil-painting Mona Lisa. Alas, the condition has weathered badly.

After dinner, we went to checked out the latest movie-dvds at our favorite shop and i stumbled upon Rhonda Burne's The Secret dvd. Its not liked i have seen it for the first time. I have seen it for a 50th times and this time, i bought it. I still don't know what made me decide to buy that night but i am sure glad i did.

After finishing the reel, we made love. Though the thoughts of medicinal side effects loomed at the back of our heads, somehow The Secret had given birth in me a sense of confidence that only good sperms will fertilize my egg this cycle. And yes, we are going to have another romp tomorrow night too.

Today, another strange 'first' i noticed on my physiology. I am and have been heavy bloating as were those symptoms usually felt on the premenstrual days. My breasts are starting to swell and i'm sure i have not even ovulated yet! I feel fertile and i'm not on any medication. Could it be my wish is working? It could also mean that all my fibroids gotten bigger too and that can be a hazard. I sure hope we can be refunded with the RM8,000 deposited for IVF procedure if i can conceive naturally and successfully this cycle.... pray,

I had my tubes flushed!

And it hurts like hell after that!!

The pain is lessening this evening, but it still hurt to walk two steps faster. Well, at least i can feel the vast different from yesterday onslaughts of monstrous contraction pain that started 45 minutes after yesterday's Ultrasonicsalpingiogram and followed by continuous sharp abdominal pain throughout the the night and a full day. 

Ultrasonicsalpingiogram - an outpatient procedure to flush ultrasonic dense fluid into my uterine cavity and throughout both of my fallopian tubes to detect any tubal blockage. The fluid then flew out from the end of the fallopian tubes and fill up the side of my uterus and 'pouch of Douglas which is the cavity between my uterus and rectum.

In the hospital's website, it stated that patients may feel pain and discomfort at pelvic area after the test if her tubes are not blocked. It is so damn right alright. It pains like hell!! Doc did warned that the pain is going to be ten times stronger than a menstrual pain but he presented the pain in a 'casual' manner until the PAIN hit home some 45 minutes later. He could have made gloomy faces and i could have prepared myself for it. That contraction was pain-of-the-year. Hell! it pained like I'd just had a fresh Cesarean wound. The struggling zapped my energy and put me to sleep easily. I couldn't walk because each step sent vibration to my abdomen and trigger sharp pangs. And when i did walk, i walked like a hump-back person. I even spiked a fever last evening that lasted till this afternoon. Let me count, in a span of 24 hours, i have downed 4 paracetamol 500mg for fever and 6 of that no-name orange painkillers.

It has never surfaced in my research over the fertility investigation procedures that Ultrasonic Salpingogram can cause this incredible pain. Otherwise i would have prepared for it. 

Again, no matter how informed i was about how salpingogram is done, i couldn't have avoided a bad luck day. Yesterday, the volume of patients tripled. And the doc had to ran off to an emergency upstairs when i was just 1 patient behind. Having waited idly for 2 hours i finally seated next to my doc. And if that was not the bad, see next. The doc was so occupied with 'emergency calls', he hurried with my case. There i was, lying on the bed naked from waste down with knees propped up. The doc, in fast motion, shoved an opener (i think it was similar to that used during pap-smearing procedure) into my vaginal and then proceeded to shove more 'tools' in till i pained buttock-up. Before the pain subside, a catheter has gone through my cervix and uterus. And when i thought all violation was over, the doc shove the vaginal ultrasound scanner and started telling the nurse to pressure-pump the fluid while he guided the scanner in search of my uterus and the fallopian tubes.

I was offended, of course. Hey, i am a paying customer, and i am not in a government hospital at paying subsidized rate. When i was about to mouth my discontent the doc said "see the moving dots? that shows fluid is passable." Really, my heart started to sing. Then doc found the left tube but the fluid didn't fly too well even at full pressure pump. Suddenly it was all done.

The next few minutes flew by hastily and dazedly. I remembered did not congratulate me, he did not summarized blockage, he just went on to tell me my hormone report indicated 'normal', he picked up an inter-com replied "I'm coming", told us to come back on Feb 8 to do an ovulation test and we left.

Now when the pain is slowly subsiding i am able to think out of my foggy brain. Actually, we should be fabulous that both tubes are patent. Otherwise it could turn messy and expensive to be subjected to laparoscopy.

Oh, by the way, the room Dino dad had his first load shot outside home was quite funny. It was a small room dimly lit with yellow light and the walls were decked with three naked blondies in decent poise, you know, the type fit for hospital...hohohoho..... and the nurse might have thought i was gonna give Dino dad a hand at that...

Will You Give Me A Calf?

If you have been following the current political scene in Malaysia, read on. Whoever wrote this joke that is circulating the internet now is really an avid political fan. And, he or she is probably on the other side of the fence too.

JOKE starts....
A farmer named Lakbir Singh was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in Bolehland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young Malay man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Lakbir looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Lakbir.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Lakbir says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a graduate from Oxford and a Member of Parliament for Umno," says Lakbir.
"Wow! That's correct," exclaims the yuppie with the customary Umno's Wow Factor, "But how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered Lakbir. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, and to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter you are, and you don't know a thing about cows. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."