Baby: A joy or a debtor?

Bloodwork on day 3 after surgery showed the hCG has dropped from 9.505 mIU/ml down to 1,665.

Another bloodwork on day 10 (after surgery) read 1,155.

Dr. was not happy with the reading. The hcG was dropping too slow. He wanted to see my hCG to drop below 50 because that reading will satisfy him to know for sure that all my residual pregnancy cells remaining in my affected fallopian are dead.

Because, the Dr. has tried his best to save my tube. Because, if there some left in the tube, the remaining cells could multiply on its own (so scary - like sci-fi movie) turn cancerous if not flushed out. If there were a rebound in the hCG reading, Dr. said he might need to operate me again (again??!!!!) to truly remove the affected part of the tube.

Meaning = to severe my tube!!!

Can my life gets any worse?

What's wrong with my wish to be a mother?

I only want ONE child. Is that too much to ask?

Every week there are newborns dumped in thrash or abandoned in some reclusive places left to rot reported in Malaysia papers. Last year reported over 500 newborns found dead in hell places. And just last week, reported in major dailies, a newborn found dead on a walkway of small town.

What have i done in my past life that these babies preferred to choose to be born not to my home but to the homes of these young-no-brainers and be left to die like pests??????

Rhonda Byrne's The Secret of the law of attraction = my ass!

I should sue her for refund of my purchase of her book and my time spent in diligent practicing her now-proven-not-working fad for two years. If I am not the best proof of her empty theory, then who is?

As if that was not enough suffering, my bloodwork showed below 8 vg/dl. I had three pints of blood transfusion, with one causing me allergy had me scratching my face like a monkey and red dots grew on my face, neck and scalp. Damn the antibiotic. They hurt like hell when injected intravenously.

To add salt to wound, my intestines were sort of putting on a no-work demonstration; i couldn't fart or shit. My stomach bloated with carbon dioxide like i was six-month pregnant !

To add salt + Brazilian pepper to my after-surgery pain, they placed my ward directly opposite the newborn nursery. Though the nursery curtain was drawn down at all time, but i could hear newborns' healthy crying round the clock. And when i took zombie-walk along the ward corridor, dressed in the sexy hospital robe, pulling the intravenous in one hand and carrying the blood pump on the other, hoping to stimulate bowel movement, visitors of neighboring newborns' families would see my ridiculously bloating stomach and enquired about my pregnancy. They asked out of genuine goodwill courtesy - after all, they thought this was the 'delivery floor'. I just died ten-percent each time i saw their face turned ashamed when i repeated the same sentence: I've just lost my baby.

Throughout my stay in the ward, i did not mingle with any new moms within the floor. I'd tried avoid taking walks during visiting hours. I don't share their joy, especially when i was - and still am - so raw into my loss. I'd felt knife went through my heart whenever i heard excited visitors talking to nurse wanting to visit who and who's newborn. My bile rushed up when i heard healthy newborns wailing in neighboring wards.

There was once, sometime in late morning, i overheard a stupid woman complaining to a don't-know-who, about her daughter-in-law who had just delivered a fourth baby girl. That stupid old woman was disappointed not getting a grandson. She also complained the hefty cesarean incurred. If i were not in the bathroom trying to maneuver between a drip, a blood pump and trying to clean blood dripping from my ass after pee, all the while delirious under drug influence, I would have rushed out to bite that woman's head off. "Old woman, first, you should not interfere in your son's affair. Secondly, you should be lucky to having grandchildren at all. Thirdly, of course, if you are feeling too many girls and still want to push your daughter-in-law to pig a baby boy next, do feel free to let me adopt your newborn grand daughter. I can ang pow you RM30,000 right away, stupid old woman."

At home, the scenario did not help. Out of sudden, my immediate next-door neighbor - don't know from where or on what occasion - suddenly had a bunch of their kampung relatives visiting, and their throng of kids screaming and kampung-ied my house front, plus disturbing my dogs in my compound! I wanted so much to shout at these kampung kids right in front of their parents. I wanted so much to dump the load of emotion in them. I wanted, I wanted to, but i didn't. To do that would let the world knows about my yet-another failure.

Also out of nowhere, that extreme, foul-mouth Pakistani muslim air stewardess neighbor living a few door from mine, who usually avoids coming near my front yard after the open-quarel we had some years ago about her wrongly involving my dogs with the local animal enforcement, suddenly found my dogs interesting, and has been pramming her new 3-months-old baby to my front yard in the mornings cooing at my dogs and cats. What the fuck! What the fuck!

Go ahead, think me evil. Think me selfish. Think me 變態. Yes. I am 變態 and a very bitter one.

But look around you. Poor families usually bear children like pigs and the miracle part is their children usually get to grow up without problem. I have travelled far, i have seen enough rural people leaving their babies crawling on mud while parents minded their livelihood. Despite little muddy fingers go into their mouth, many of these children grew up and become parents of their own.

But do they really appreciate the significance of the existence of a child? I do not think so. They bear children not out of good intention. They bore children as a result of uncontrolled birth control. On extreme cases, for those who are staunchly religious - in whatever faith - think that children are god's gift, and to prevent god's creation is betrayal to their god, hence a child is born. And eventually the brood grew from three to seven. But the household income could honestly only afford three mouth qualitatively.

When children cannot be given the best of education, and the best of universal wisdom, and the best level of attention and love from parents, what's the use of his or hers existence in this world? Look around me. I see only social ills. I see mat rempits. I see snatch thieves. I see below-par workers in the government sector. I see government hospitals full house. I see young adults with mentally only confined to kampung level despite having completed secondary schools. I see society loosers falling back to the comfort zone of all-things religion, hiding in the veil of god, god, god, every day calling the name of gods in vain. I see society loosers joining fanatic groups doing what-they-kid-themselves-thinking doing god's work and be granted to heaven. I see gangsterism thrive. I see Egypt and Libyan political turmoil.

Don't all these problems rooted from a weak foundation in a child's years?

But inexplicably, the well-to-do society continues to have infertility issues, and the hardly-able-to-feed-themselves group continues to contribute to the country's expanding population.

ai.........................................

It is ECTOPIC

It's official.

2nd opinion by a consultant gynaecologist and obstetrician in Sunway Hospital re-confirmed i had an ectopic pregnancy on 18 Feb 2011. Ultrasound showed - this time clearer than the last scan - my lower left fallopian tube swollen and there was blood forming in the affected area. It was not in my pelvis because i felt no pain when Dr. performed pelvic examination.

Dr. said: Very bad news; the baby is growing robustly BUT in the wrong place. While your fetal is struggling to survive, your tube is fast rupturing. You must be operated immediately before full-blown rupture hits.

Me and Dino dad: That bad meh? Can't wait a few more days or two? Maybe our baby might decide to roll away from my tube and swim to my womb leh? This pregnancy is our first pregnancy that survived past 7 weeks - and is still growing strong.

Dr: The chance is one in 40,000, if that happens. If not, then you are subjecting yourself to a high-risk situation where ectopic at worst case, is life-threatening. Currently, there is no technology that can save a pregnancy that has implanted outside of a womb.

Dr. wouldn't release me home and repeatedly warned of the dangerous complications if rupture happened. I wanted to wait but Dino dad was firmed to choose the lesser evil of two evils: to save me first. He signed the consent form and Dr. issued an emergency surgery that afternoon itself.

Normally, the fertilized egg is carried to the uterus to be implanted and grow. In my case, the egg was beginning to implant in my left fallopian tube, an area of the uterus that cannot sustain life, where pregnancy can't go on because the growing embryo and placental tissue can destroy the structures outside the uterus. If left to later stage, i could either loose a tube (beyond repair, and reduce 50% chance to conceive) or die from severe hemorrhage when the tube rupture. Only on rare cases that the mother to miscarry naturally without rupture, hemorrhage or death. But i know; i would never be that lucky one.

I learned that ectopic pregnancies are fairly common, like 1 in 1oo pregnancies. Talking about odds, how unlucky can i be?

In the OT, even the nice Dr. Anesthetist shared my pain when he saw the reason i was all prep lying and waiting in doom. Probably he saw my pain through my red eyes and nose; I had been repeatedly saying goodbye to my baby the minute i was pushed out of my ward heading to the OT. I told the my baby to forgive me. I'd have to end its life by force. I did not cried out but i was suffocating inside, trying to be strong - don't know for what? While waiting for my turn to be put out, i imagined my baby playing in Buddha's embrace and i'd pleaded to Buddha to bring this baby to pure land. This baby is innocent; i am the one going to abort this little life no matter how badly i wanted to keep it.

After waiting liked forever in the ward and in the OT, at 8pm same day i was finally pushed out, semi-conscious, plus suffering a hypertemia-like episode, and a bad sore throat (caused by anesthesiologist O2 tube thrust into my trachea).

At that moment, the realization of being back to 'not-pregnant' was drastically real.

The laporoscopic surgery left me with three incision wounds in my lower abdomen - the 3rd one was directly inside my belly button - and a tube attached out from my womb area, draining blood out of my uterus for the next two days. Plus the ever-present intravenous drip on my left hand.

Bloodwork confirmed i was starting to minor hermorrhage; my hemoglobin counts dropped to less 7.3 vg/dl whereby a healthy woman should be between 11.5 - 15.5. Immediately i was put on blood transfusion.

Next week have to do another bloodwork to see if my body has rid off all the unwanted pregnancy cells as it should be.

Pain Attack!

This morning, the pain started like severe bloating; minor but sharp. It started getting serious by the time i reached office and it made me felt like wanted to take a dump. After much gentle massages to my ballooning belly, i'd finally released quite a good amount of, literally, hard stool.

But the pain did not go away - like it had been the first time this situation happened two days (Feb 15) ago, at home when it suddenly attacked and left me struggling in and out of faint, heavy sweating, bullet-train palpitation all the while curled up like a prawn trembling in sharp-killing pain. The pain slowly subsided after i passed some hard stool and took two painkillers. I did not bleed immediate after this attack, but i did bled some 8 hours later. Our hearts dropped to the floor when i saw fresh red on toilet papers. That night we went to bed in tears. Somehow - didn't know why - the bleeding stopped the next morning and last the next 24 hours.

When the pain attack again this morning, not only it didn't go away after i took a dump, the pain sort of localized to my left abdomen. And the pain intensified. No choice - no GP dared to prescribe laxative in my case - we went to my gynae. The pain was over the top when i reached the hospital and was admitted immediately.

Again, i started bleeding because of this pain attack. And again, our hearts dropped to the floor, thinking this time it's going to be a real miscarriage.

3 doctors saw me, few rounds of ultrasound searches, some ponstan, some laxative tables, a drip, a super-fast positive urine test (i wondered under who's no-brainer ordered that when my last hcg was already 4,336) and a newly derived hCG result at over 9000.

No one can tell me am i week 6 or week 7 because no sac found in my uterus. Although my hCG is rising but the numbers were not doubling as it should be in a heathy fetal development.

The funniest thing is: i stopped bleeding!!!!! Just like it was the first attack after.

At 7pm just now, the doc declared that he was over 90% sure i am having an ectopic pregnancy. And i must be operated this night itself.

We looked at the doc with blank eyes. Is he crazy? Me to go under the table without a conclusive finding? Wait a minute. He couldn't even find the sac anywhere else. How can he operate me and go on a search mission?

We wanted to wait and see, the doc wasn't happy with our decision. He said my condition is gravely dangerous and he wouldn't discharge me, unless he referred me to another specialist opinion - his friend, in this case - this evening itself.

We took the reference letter and settled the whopping RM590 bills and went back to the office. No kidding; if i am to be hospitalized the next few days, i must delegate works properly before i go MIB. If not, i wouldn't RIP. So we get some office work done and went home eventually at 9.45pm.

As i am writing this, i am thinking why no doctors want to listen to the essence of my complaints? That i feel i am merely having a case of the grandest of constipation and gas-bloating???? Why is everybody leaning unerringly to ectopic??? Out of 7 top symptoms of ectopic, not one that matches my condition of these two attacks.

I felt lightheartedness only during the excruciating pain in an attack.

I bled but it stopped - even without taking medications, just like today.

I did not experience one-sided shoulder or pain below diaphragm.

I am more than 100% sure my pain was due to almost non-bowel movement. From what i have learned, bowel movements is probably retarded by over use of uterus supportive meds (progesterone jab + Progynova+progesterone inserts every day).

For heaven's sake, i don't fart healthily! So it natural to have gas stuck all over my intestines and making my stomach ballooning to look like 6 months pregnant. With religious folic acid taking and little intake of water, of course i constipate like hell.

Right now, i am feeling totally normal except for the gas discontent in my stomach. With no meds taken this whole day, i am able to fart more often this evening. I guess my bowel is able to start moving again.

Should i listen to my doc and admit myself tomorrow morning for an explorative surgery? Or should i just stop all meds and take up wait-and-see strategy? What could be worse? A sudden attack from a rupture tube that could put me in life-threatening situation? Yes, i know that. But, what if the doctors were wrong? What if i am just a case of severe constipation and gas-bloating and risk a could-be potentially healthy pregnancy?

I think i will seek second opinion tomorrow, do more scanning to find that tiny sac and to observe two - if possible - more rounds of hCG numbers.

Oh!!! got to go. I think the laxative i took this morning is starting to push stools into my rectum. Time to take a huge dump. And hopefully after that i would be pain-free.

6wks 3 days - No sac yet

I am pretty sure i am 6 weeks 3 days according to my last LMP; i keep a TTC calendar every month!

But today's transvaginal scan saw nothing, did not pick up any sac but a strange white 'blob' of unknown. My heart sank with the finding.

The nice doc continued to soothe me quoting that i 'may be' still too early. And that the white blob could be a sac formation in progress. She did warned, however, that if the sac still don't show by next scan (next Monday), then doc will be searching for an ectopic.

My hCG on Feb 9 was 2466, which i do not see its optimistic because the maximum agregate of a healthy fetal development ranged up to 7,000 at week 6. Mine is below the middle.

I have read some forum, many TTC moms who had the same situation like mine were somehow half ended in ectopic and needed a laparoscopy for diagnosis and then ended in D&C, while the other half ended in surprise 'late grower', and ended with miracle livebirths.

Not helping, not helping, not helping!!!!!!!!!! No pregnant, hurt; got pregnant now, hurt triple. Why is it so much just to have one baby??????? Next scan is 3 days later, next bloodwork is tomorrow but result can only be known on Monday as we are approaching a weekend. And my breast tenderness seems to have reduced to- if put on a scale 1-10 with 10 being the most intense - 2. That is the tenderness can only be felt - mildly - if pinched. I even suspect the remaining tenderness is solely the work of the progesterone jab+Progynova meds+ vaginal inserts. My nipples, though still gorge-looking, have already lost its sensitivity. And worst of all, spotting of brown-to dark brown has resumed yesterday and it has not stopped. No symptoms of feeling pregnant; no sickness. Bed rests the past days did not seem to help.

Gosh! I had 10x more intensity with my boobs, bloating and frequent urination during my days in Mynamar than now.

Another blow came when a girlfriend - who lives 2 rows behind my house dropped the bomb that she is now 7 weeks and just came home with a 34cm fetal scan with heartbeat!!!!!

Listen to that!!! I want to feel happy for her but i felt more rage than to be afford generosity at this moment with me struggling an unknown direction to my second 'naturally conceived' pregnancy. I am damn worry this going to be another failure - the stats aren't optimistic - but i dang hope at least a sac be shown in my uterus even if it were a blighted ovum or a non-viable sac. Important thing is NOT BE AN ECTOPIC.

How cruel can life be?

Angiesmon, your post is the only light i am hanging on to.

Agiesmom says:

Aug 16, 2007 11:38PM

At 6 weeks, 2 days I had a transvaginal ultrasound and they saw nothing--no yolk sac, no fetal pole, no heartbeat. At 8 weeks, I had another transvaginal ultrasound and they still saw nothing--just a black oval. My doctor told me that it's over (blighted ovum) and suggested a D&C or Cytotec to help "move things along". I refused both, saying I wanted to wait and let my body do what it needs to do on its own. I never started cramping or bleeding and my doctor was concerned, saying that infection can set in when a miscarriage doesn't complete in a timely manner. So at 9 weeks, 5 days I had another ultrasound and there she was! Heartbeat and all! She is perfect and beautiful and will be 6 months old on August 21st.

I know this isn't typical and I don't want to give anyone false hope, but I am so glad that I waited.

2011 Jan 8 - Spotting stopped!

IT STOPPED!! IT STOPPED!!

The Progynova worked. The progesterone inserts worked.

No cramp noted since yesterday dawn. Phew.

Overall status: A-ok.

Next scheduled scanning : Jan 10.

Fingers crossed.

In the meantime, enjoy some aerial view over bagan, taken from hot air balloon ride.

2011, Jan 7 - Living hell

The spotting was supposed to stop; after the jab and 2 dosages of Progynova, isn't it? Counting back to the first day of my last period - Jan 4 - i should be on day 35th, that's exactly end of 5th week.

But i still bleeds, bit by bit, all dark brown, not enough for a pad but quite taxing on a panty liner. I have been resting the whole day, sitting in front of TV from 2pm to 1am. What more to do?????

I have mild period-like cramp felt at dawn this morning, and my breast tenderness was almost gone. I knew the signs too well - an impending miscarriage. I knew it. I had it times before. But still i needed to get up to pee. Fresh red blood colored my urine. Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, it confirmed my presumptions.

I felt the dream slipping through my arms, and rage renewed.

All right, life is very cruel and that's my shitty destiny - to be teased, poked fun with happiness one day and then only to be doused with fire the next. Didn't care, put on heels (against Doc's order), went to client's office to collect a due cheque, went lunch, waited for hubby sinseh treatment and then back.

A check on the pad, an hour ago did not see flushing. Same old, same old with the dark brown spotting.

I am going into a freaking mode already. Gosh! its so hard!!!!

2011, Jan 6 - PREGNANT FINALLY!!!!!!!

FINALLY! FINALLY! FINALLY! PREGNANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA YAY! YAY! YAY!

After half expecting another month of fail preggo, we boarded the scheduled plane and flew off to Myanmar for a 4-days Chinese New Year breakaway - it was time i let the whole TTC issue to rest and start reliving my life in a brand new year. Hubby and i have talked about leaving the preggo wish to destiny and confirmed resorting to adoption once the dragon year (2012) set in. Rabbit clashes with hubby. If we were to adopt, of course we would want to adopt a compatible child.

So, there we were, thrashing through the streets of Yangon city in hell-taxi rides when in one of the rides, the taxi door flung opened suddenly and banged the rear of a park white Camry that was parked by the roadside, and the taxi door bounded back in; got stranded in Yangon domestic airport for 2 hours due to fog so dense, visibility was mere 3 feet; got on a 45-minutes hot air balloon ride over Bagan sky - the magnificent archaeological park of thousands pagodas; after having endured two mornings and evenings of temperature drop to 14-Celsius - didn't expect Myanmar to be this cold and our luggage were stuffed with only T-shirts; after a climb of more than 500 steps up the legendary temple on the tip of Mount Popa; after hours running around photographing Yangon 2,500 years-old Shwedagon temple under burning sun and a climbing-up-and-down spring cleaning of my walk-in walkdrobe a day after returning from Myanmar, plus flipping the double queen sized beds, my period still wouldn't start flushing as

it should be. The dark brown spottings were getting on my nerve and i was already starting anticipating a relapse of hypothyrodism. So bought the cheapest pregnancy test kit at Guardian after Sushi supper and was intended to get myself tested once and for all.

My sleeping popped opened and all fog in my sticky eyes dissipated as my pupils traced the urine being absorbed, rising steady and smoothly passed all indicator and the on-the-spot emergence of 2 pink lines on the strip.

Wow! wow! wow! wow! I checked and rechecked the instruction sheet to make sure i was reading the strip signal correctly. There they were: 2 wonderful, strong, sure, pink lines. There were the most beautiful thing in this whole wide world. I screamed and ran down stairs to a petrified hubby who was half way bathing the fur-kids.

We got it!!!! Naturall!!!! No whatsoever medications!!! And it happens in the last water month.

Went to our regular gynae, did a scan - but fibroids were blocking the view of a possible sac - so the good doctor gave me progesterone jab on the butt and prescibed Progynova for the next 5 days. Doc knew of my previous twice failed IVF and she summoned me to absolute bed rest from this day on.

But can i ?