Another bloodwork on day 10 (after surgery) read 1,155.
Dr. was not happy with the reading. The hcG was dropping too slow. He wanted to see my hCG to drop below 50 because that reading will satisfy him to know for sure that all my residual pregnancy cells remaining in my affected fallopian are dead.
Because, the Dr. has tried his best to save my tube. Because, if there some left in the tube, the remaining cells could multiply on its own (so scary - like sci-fi movie) turn cancerous if not flushed out. If there were a rebound in the hCG reading, Dr. said he might need to operate me again (again??!!!!) to truly remove the affected part of the tube.
Meaning = to severe my tube!!!
Can my life gets any worse?
What's wrong with my wish to be a mother?
I only want ONE child. Is that too much to ask?
Every week there are newborns dumped in thrash or abandoned in some reclusive places left to rot reported in Malaysia papers. Last year reported over 500 newborns found dead in hell places. And just last week, reported in major dailies, a newborn found dead on a walkway of small town.
What have i done in my past life that these babies preferred to choose to be born not to my home but to the homes of these young-no-brainers and be left to die like pests??????
Rhonda Byrne's The Secret of the law of attraction = my ass!
I should sue her for refund of my purchase of her book and my time spent in diligent practicing her now-proven-not-working fad for two years. If I am not the best proof of her empty theory, then who is?
As if that was not enough suffering, my bloodwork showed below 8 vg/dl. I had three pints of blood transfusion, with one causing me allergy had me scratching my face like a monkey and red dots grew on my face, neck and scalp. Damn the antibiotic. They hurt like hell when injected intravenously.
To add salt to wound, my intestines were sort of putting on a no-work demonstration; i couldn't fart or shit. My stomach bloated with carbon dioxide like i was six-month pregnant !
To add salt + Brazilian pepper to my after-surgery pain, they placed my ward directly opposite the newborn nursery. Though the nursery curtain was drawn down at all time, but i could hear newborns' healthy crying round the clock. And when i took zombie-walk along the ward corridor, dressed in the sexy hospital robe, pulling the intravenous in one hand and carrying the blood pump on the other, hoping to stimulate bowel movement, visitors of neighboring newborns' families would see my ridiculously bloating stomach and enquired about my pregnancy. They asked out of genuine goodwill courtesy - after all, they thought this was the 'delivery floor'. I just died ten-percent each time i saw their face turned ashamed when i repeated the same sentence: I've just lost my baby.
Throughout my stay in the ward, i did not mingle with any new moms within the floor. I'd tried avoid taking walks during visiting hours. I don't share their joy, especially when i was - and still am - so raw into my loss. I'd felt knife went through my heart whenever i heard excited visitors talking to nurse wanting to visit who and who's newborn. My bile rushed up when i heard healthy newborns wailing in neighboring wards.
There was once, sometime in late morning, i overheard a stupid woman complaining to a don't-know-who, about her daughter-in-law who had just delivered a fourth baby girl. That stupid old woman was disappointed not getting a grandson. She also complained the hefty cesarean incurred. If i were not in the bathroom trying to maneuver between a drip, a blood pump and trying to clean blood dripping from my ass after pee, all the while delirious under drug influence, I would have rushed out to bite that woman's head off. "Old woman, first, you should not interfere in your son's affair. Secondly, you should be lucky to having grandchildren at all. Thirdly, of course, if you are feeling too many girls and still want to push your daughter-in-law to pig a baby boy next, do feel free to let me adopt your newborn grand daughter. I can ang pow you RM30,000 right away, stupid old woman."
At home, the scenario did not help. Out of sudden, my immediate next-door neighbor - don't know from where or on what occasion - suddenly had a bunch of their kampung relatives visiting, and their throng of kids screaming and kampung-ied my house front, plus disturbing my dogs in my compound! I wanted so much to shout at these kampung kids right in front of their parents. I wanted so much to dump the load of emotion in them. I wanted, I wanted to, but i didn't. To do that would let the world knows about my yet-another failure.
Also out of nowhere, that extreme, foul-mouth Pakistani muslim air stewardess neighbor living a few door from mine, who usually avoids coming near my front yard after the open-quarel we had some years ago about her wrongly involving my dogs with the local animal enforcement, suddenly found my dogs interesting, and has been pramming her new 3-months-old baby to my front yard in the mornings cooing at my dogs and cats. What the fuck! What the fuck!
Go ahead, think me evil. Think me selfish. Think me 變態. Yes. I am 變態 and a very bitter one.
But look around you. Poor families usually bear children like pigs and the miracle part is their children usually get to grow up without problem. I have travelled far, i have seen enough rural people leaving their babies crawling on mud while parents minded their livelihood. Despite little muddy fingers go into their mouth, many of these children grew up and become parents of their own.
But do they really appreciate the significance of the existence of a child? I do not think so. They bear children not out of good intention. They bore children as a result of uncontrolled birth control. On extreme cases, for those who are staunchly religious - in whatever faith - think that children are god's gift, and to prevent god's creation is betrayal to their god, hence a child is born. And eventually the brood grew from three to seven. But the household income could honestly only afford three mouth qualitatively.
When children cannot be given the best of education, and the best of universal wisdom, and the best level of attention and love from parents, what's the use of his or hers existence in this world? Look around me. I see only social ills. I see mat rempits. I see snatch thieves. I see below-par workers in the government sector. I see government hospitals full house. I see young adults with mentally only confined to kampung level despite having completed secondary schools. I see society loosers falling back to the comfort zone of all-things religion, hiding in the veil of god, god, god, every day calling the name of gods in vain. I see society loosers joining fanatic groups doing what-they-kid-themselves-thinking doing god's work and be granted to heaven. I see gangsterism thrive. I see Egypt and Libyan political turmoil.
Don't all these problems rooted from a weak foundation in a child's years?
But inexplicably, the well-to-do society continues to have infertility issues, and the hardly-able-to-feed-themselves group continues to contribute to the country's expanding population.
ai.........................................
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