A brand new year 2009

Another year has gone by. I can hear fire-crackers being light up from the field of the local council of my residential area. Hey, wait a minute. All shots died down unknowingly. Seems like they have trimmed the budget for this celebration this year. They don't need taxpayers telling them there's a recession going on. Good for my dearest Pepsi and Corgie and the cats too.

Dino dad is already zzzzz soundly. Not much happened today except worked till passed 8pm to complete a magazine ad for a ridiculous client who puts everyone else's deadline at the back seat of this car. Because of him, we'd cancelled our trip to Hatyai today. 

But the day ended well with 2 positive feedbacks, for Dino dad, one - from the buyer who finds our proposed selling price of crude coconut oil favorable, two - received 2 seller agreed to offer the coconut oil at USD500 per tonne. Hurray! i'd like to think that we ended the year with a possible deal, a deal so good that it could make me a housewife for at least two years, so that it can fall into our plan to really take things easy when the next pregnancy comes around.

Dino dad, a jia day master with a strong bazi. Controlling and exhaustive elements such as geng and ding have been said, by a few masters, would be useful in 2008 as it was a yang earth year. Sure enough, for the first time in many after getting to know bazi study, the yang earth year 2008 had opened up three business diversification opportunities - international trading in scrapped-engines, coconut oil and bird nests. As a matter of fact, one successful shipment of scrapped engines had landed at Port Klang from Australia and delivered to a client in Shah Alam last week, and one batch of bird nests had landed in Foshan, China in November . That was no million-dollar deal, no matter how drooling we are, but it was a neat eleven thousand profit. Good enough for now, at least there's money made while still picking up valuable real-life practical exports and imports lessons. And, needless to spend tens of thousands for a degree on this.

To hell for Malaysian economy. Its too small a pie to share. Earning foreign currency is our main resolution for the next few years. The world-over is where we shall be digging and looking for our first pot of gold. 

Though Dino dad's bazi is endowed with three wealth elements; two on heavenly stem and one on the earthly branch, we have yet to fathom how much do all these elements actually worth. No masters have ever gone this deep with us. Can they tell? Can a person's nett worth be read from a bazi? Damn! regret that i didn't ask Joey Yap on this. Darn! Amber Cheah has gotten the first taste of her RM2 million nett worth of wealth luck in just less than four years since her contract with Guess back in 2004. There could be more coming for her in the near future as she is setting her aim at Hollywood. Arrrrggggg.....how much is our nett worth????

Damn, already swearing by the first hours of a new year. Heck, i am already feeling tired even on this start of a new year. Because, the economy has been predicted to be continued gloomy and uncertain. Everyday, there are CEOs and economists painting fear all over the business sections. We are facing huge A&P budget trimming exercises from Clients. On the other hand, some clients have been secretly whispering in my ears their fear of possible lay-off. Ai......... kasihan also, la.

Well, at least the annual prosperity star 8 will be arriving in the west sector and we have already moved our bedroom to receive it. That's one consolation. But poor Dido dad ended his year with a cracked fifth finger. Badly hurt while shifting the bedrooms. Ai........... it will take months to heal.

For me, i might be going to the hospital this weekend to have a second hermorroid removal surgery. Its bad situation for me if it gets worse tomorrow. This time i am going for the laser option.

What a blasted year-end for me! 

I think i saw my dead baby in person

At one hour ago, while i was doing the laundry, i felt my vaginal excreted a 'solid'. You know, the kinda of liked undiluted menses. Well, any non-menopause women experience it every month. 

Its not liked i'd experience it for the first time, this one seemed to make me notice. Though i am still bleeding at 13th-day, but the bleeding has reduced much. Just don't understand why the discharge looked slimy. I thought the last couple of day of clumpy-menses was indicating the ending of this natural abortion.

Patiently, i waited till all chores completed and headed straight for a bath. Picking up the pad, i went to stand by the window.

At close range of about 10cm away from my face, on the pad....... i think i saw my dead baby.

(I illustrated this image so that i can cherish this sighting in the future.)

It took me only a split second to recognize its shape resembling a coiled fetus because this little clump was particularly dry, much liked it's been towel-dried, and not attached to any slime as any clumps usually do.

It looked like it has a head, 2 pairs of flippers in the positions where arms should be and followed by another pairs right below the first pairs. This clump was about the size of a lentil bean. And i was right because some websites actually shown similar information about baby at week 6, like this one below (hey, it even has a tail).

There was another bigger clump came out during the shower. I picked it up and studied it on my palm. It was firm. Very quickly i assumed it was to be the sac that might have held my baby for a short while back. Looking at this 'sac' swam into the water exit, a little made-belief joy swirled inside and i thought to myself "at least i got to meet you. And sinseh had sad before, this baby was a boy".

Now, as i am typing, i visualize myself a psycho who have just studied a stinky bloody pad at upclose by a window. I sure hoped no neighbor to have had a misfortunate afternoon after seeing me across their window in such a cuckoo act.

Yeah! i think too much till i am seeing things which might probably not what it seemed.

TTC Journal Part 2

Jan 2008

Started the year with no baby.

TSH continued to show improved.

But had never stopped trying despite having learned how hypothyroid can hinder my fertility.

Uneventful. Kept the whole months busy learning to use the EL500 and catching up with my precious old songs collection sitting in my library.

Period came.

Feb 2008

Chinese New Year and entertained many same old question "Don't want children, meh?"

Blood test showed TSH, T3 and T4 improving. Cut back on thyroxine to 75mg.

Period came.

March 2008

TSH showed further improvement. Cut further to thyroxine 25mg.

The weigh scale smiled and pointing at 55kg.

Great! Things looking good and we went to Hatyai to make another grand prayer.

Busied ourselves with little fun at calculating baby's d.o.b and bazi.

Spent little thought on pregnancy. Just kept to the regime.

Period came.

April 2008

The TSH took a dive. Enraged. Started back on 75mg.

Silently sending out waves of unspoken curses to my our own karma.

Passing days with disgusted sights of low income couples on the streets with heavily pregnant wives who i believe, don't even know the importance of folic acid.

That was it. We hopped on a plane and flew to Vientiane and Luang Prabang for holiday.

Period came.

May 2008

TSH showed tremendous improvement. Oooo.... holiday proven to helped to take off my stress.

Cut thyroxine down to 25mg.

But the intake of folic acid had given me painful lumps on both armpits.

On top of that, constipation seemed moving like 25kmph.

Whole body tak syiok.

Period came.

June 2008

TSH continued to hold well. Maintained at 25mg.

With an anniversary of TTC on one hand and half a new year gone on the hand, we figured we needed to revisit our bazi for clues.

A master advised us to pledge with a Kam Fa Leong Leong deity at Jalan 4/44, PJ.

We went, pledged and took one yellow and one red fake tulips home as advised by the nuns.

Took a cycle of Clomid 100mg for contingency to ensure success if the deity decided to lend her divine help to us leh.

To prepare our mind for a good romping throughout the ovulation days, we decided it was time we took a vacation. Off to Jogjarkarta in a private 2-person tour.

Experienced strong pre-menstrual symptoms but waned off 3 days before flushing.

I was 5 days late.

Was it still me (i mean my fertility problem?) or divine didn't help?

July 2008

A good friend recommended a Chinese TCM dr with good case reference.

Also managed to meet Joey Yap for Bazi reading.

Predicted a high possibility within the Autumn months.

Started on our first dosage of herbal meds too.

First to wean off my dependency on thyroxine and to 'heat-up' my womb.

To Dino dad, lots of male booster pills and reduce foaming in urine.

An exiting month but ended with yet another period.

Aug 2008

Continued the same tcm treatment. Yuck! yuck! I've never taken well to herbs.

Spent RM400 for every 2-week appointment.

And the US sup-prime news was damn disturbing. Quickly withdrew investment from share market.

Sinseh continued sharing her many success-story-patients with us.

Felt like a long time since i last had had a flatter tummy in the morning.

Generally, physiology-wise, we both felt great.

Continued our missions on time.

Yet, another month of seeing red.

Sept 2008

Continued the same herbs for 2 more weeks and finally sinseh decided that we are ready to try for a baby.

Switched med by the second half of the month. Looking back, the timing was way after my ovulation date. (I track, all right)

Felt happy and got creative. Wrote some short songs. Wow! i surprised myself for still remembering the rudiments.

Mission continued but period came, anyhow.

Oct 2008

Continued the 'chocolate' and 'black pills' for both of us.

Pulses indicated good 'eggs' formation every time she checked on our pulses.

Strong breast tenderness and great bloating with heavy water retention.

Baggy shirts and unbuttoned-fly had been dress code for several months by now.

Oh! oh! oh! oh! period didn't come as expected.

Clinical signs remained strong. This time added the long awaited new symptom - frequent urination.

And sinseh declared "Congratulations! You are pregnant".

Yahoohoo! life was meaningful again. I stayed away from joggings and didn't resisted the urge to change my bedsheets.

However, breast tenderness started to wane on week 5.5 (from LMP) and i was pretty sure IT'S THE DAMN SIGN AGAIN.

At week 6 (LMP), i flushed storm.

Only this time, its a mother of all menses. Full 8 days of menses (normally 4 days).

Fingertips wrinkled heavily and legs wobbled.

Dino dad tirelessly sweating in the wet-kitchen few days, making few rounds of booster soups for me.

Nov 2008

The first half of the month was spend recuperating.

Hope renewed. We can father a baby after all.

The problem was that it didn't hold well. Sinseh acknowledged it.

Back on the tcm regime and waited for the next ovulation cycle.

Even let off my place to my new sister-in-law to accompany my parents to Manchester UK for the graduation ceremony of my youngest sister with her Master degree in chemical engineering in December 16.

Dec 2008

I was late, again, by 5 days the time sinseh declared my second pregnancy by the first week of the month.

This time we needed clinical proof. Jumped in ecstasy when the second faint line showed up.

3 days later, i started light bleeding. It didn't stopped for two days even tripled the herb dosage.

Went to see a gyne and got further urine and blood proof of my pregnancy BUT NO BABY IN SIGHT IN MY WOMB?????

Within ten days, three ultrasounds had not picked up the so-wanted tiny sac in my uterus.

Wherever it might have implanted itself, this little fella is sure not ready to accept me as the parent.

The last light of hope was gone when the last urine test showed negative and toppled with a dwindling hCG and progesterone results.

We have made a final decision to let go of this little fella and stopped all progesterone supplements so that nature can take its course.

Today, Dec 25 - Christmas day.

I am waiting. Anxiously hoping for this abdominal contraction to accelerate and effect a full abortion by itself. I have been bleeding for a straight tenth day now. And I am fervently hoping that i won't start another brand new year in a hospital with an ectopic removal surgery or taking methotrexate treatment that can make us wait another 6 more months before we can start trying again.

Just finished the last chapter "GOD IS NOT GREAT" by Christopher Hitchens. A tough book to dissect. Got to read it again later to grasp its contents some day.

In the meantime, I have got to complete the lyrics for my new song.

TTC Journal Part 1

May 2007

Decided its time for a baby in our life.

Full medical check-up for both of us.

Included checks for toxoplasma and thalassemia.

We both passed with flying colors.

June 2007

Mountainous of confidence that turned greedy in chancing for twins.

Downed the first cycle of Clomid 50mg.

Timed our missions according to dr's schedule.

Even boosted our campaign with 2-days grand prayers in Hatyai.

Spent absolute stress-free hours in laying out plans for the 'little fella'.

Period came. On time.

July 2007

Timed all missions diligently.

Even practiced all before-and-after-sex tips for trying couples learned from various websites.

Downed the second cycle of Clomid. Dr doubled to 100mg.

My body started to bloat like a after-meal-godzilla.

Grand water retention that sent the weigh scale rocketing.

Kept having fun on charting little fella's d.o.b and would-be-bazi.

Again, period came. On time too.

Aug 2007

Decided to go natural.

Stopped Clomid. Couldn't stand the bloating.

But body continued bloating. Sprouting symptoms of a slowing metabolisme; indigestion, frequent tiredness, lacking of zest and constipation kicked in.

Kept our sedulous pursuit of baby-making missions.

Surprisingly, period was late. For the first time.

8 days living in ecstasy. Giggling like stupid teenagers whenever our corners of eyes met.

Oh boy! this little fella's bazi looked superb on his/her's birth in Spring 2008.

Period came on the ninth day. Morale dropped nine-sky low.

Sept 2007

Recalculated ovulation timing and started back on third cycle of Clomid 100mg.

Billowing bloatedness with pain. Persistent low metabolisme symptoms.

Added 4kg in four months.

Timed all missions and followed all sex tips.

Period came as usual.

Oct 2007

Emotionally draining. Spirit low.

But kept to routine with success a bleak plain.

Went on routine like 2 robots.

Started to research on everything "trying-to-get-pregnant".

Period came and went.

Nov 2007

Same old, same old.

But a lot wiser with information learned about fertility issues.

Half-boiled eggs created fear with many un-dissected "??"

To take off my stress, Dino dad bought me a Yamaha EL500 Electone RM12,000.

Wahaha, its my version of BMW ever since i was 12 admiring the seniors performing numbers on these Electone on stage in a roadshow. And now i have one! Love you, Dino dad.

Period came and went. 

December 2007

Luckily work at the office kept us busy.

It took our minds off the campaign at least half of the month.

Kept to schedules like good soldiers. Because we are a never-say-never folks.

Christmas came and gone and again there was red.

Too depressed and much desperation propelled our decision to get help.

Hate it. But booked our first appointment with an IVF specialist learned from the internet.

Had our very first 'fertility checks' on the second day of my December mensas.

Transvaginal scan revealed some fibroids in my intrauterine area.

Both ovaries are fine with reserves of about 9 eggs seen on the scan.

I even remembered the dr said that it was highly possible my egg would be released by my left ovary in the coming cycle.

All seemed fine until the hormonal test report came back and declared I HAVE HYPOTHYROIDSM. A serious case with TSH at 6.32.

It explained all the symptoms. Started thyroxine 100mg daily.

A big detour on our highway after paid a hefty RM1,760 summon.

Meet my fibroids

I have no idea how to read at all. Well, at least i know how my empty uterine looks like.

I have a non-viable ectopic Pregnancy

The things about ectopic pregnancy that i have submerged myself into this afternoon is horrifying. 

I have got to eat up loads of pineapples and sai yeong veggie soup tomorrow. I have got to get rid of this fetus fast. I have to give myself some manual boosting as i am still not flushing red

after 9 days light bleeding. I am definitely not going to wait some more. I am not going to agree with dr's 'wait-and-see' strategy till i reach eight-week.

It's already been an uphill task to get pregnant and i am definitely have no wish to let things get even more complicated with a possible rupture of god-knows-where and to end up in a 2-hour invasive surgery that would nail me in bed for 100 days. Don't even want to subject myself to possible sudden faint while i might be in the middle of an appointment with client. I wouldn't even want to think about sudden numbness of shoulders of one side arm while i am driving. Under these circumstances, this represented a life-threatening emergency, and major surgery (laparotomy) was required to remove the pregnancy and control bleeding.

That's it, pineapples, watermelon, black fungus and sai yeong veggie soup tomorrow onwar

ds until i start flushing crazy similar to last month's hell.

The end of yet another fertility chapter

We have our closure to yet another chapter tonight. This time, the second IVF specialist, is the third specialist's opinion sought in 10 days ever since the light bleeding started on Dec 16. Total expenses in 10 days sum up to RM 788.00, not including the traveling expenses and 2 home kits.

All of which is about A SUSPECTED ECTOPIC BUT RAPIDLY FAILING PREGNANCY + the existence of five to six fibroids within and outside the uterine area.

Today, i have a reading of 345.67 mlU/ml hCG, which is about ten times lesser than a normal pregnancy should have, a 4.3ng/ml progesterone result, a almost-to-no-show urine test strip and 4th ultrasound that still caught a phantom embryonic sac.

I am to stop all medications (Duphaston + chinese progesterones) immediately and to wait for the natural-abortion to take its course at anytime.

It's fine now. Of course, Dino dad and i are, again, broken hearted and feeling drain-out. Well, it's not like it'd never happened before. It's the 17th-attempt!! And a 3rd miscarriage. Only this time, there are clinical proof.

We had a long 'consultation' (paid RM90 for 25-minutes) with the dr on fibroids and IVF option for my next attempt. The petite and gentle speaking dr, despite our little unpleasant start-off at being totally dumbfounded by our zealous questionings (i am pretty sure he hasn't a customer like us for a very long long time) managed to pulled together some comforting solutions.

In his opinion, which is the second specialist opinion in similarity by earlier dr, that my fibroids are small enough to rule out surgical removal which would an invasive procedure that can take up many months to recover. Though the fibroids are medically deemed to be a reliable factor in our continuous failing pregnancy, we still have a 'good' (yes, he did say good) natural-conceiving profile. He declared, conceiving is not the problem but holding-it is the challenge as witnessed in this current failing case and last month of which both pregnancy not viable pass 6th week. Worse still, he is worried that my 'little fella' could have implanted itself on an orchid (his frankenstein version of a joke on fibroid, excuse me, not funny).

Dino dad's sperm profile seemed 'good' to doc, which i didn't think it was. Now, i can rest my mind on him taking too much (lost count, in fact) painkillers for the stiff-neck-headache problem he has been having since 1998. But hey, there are too many of my friends who i know have been smoking like chimney, drink like hypo, heavy-labored at construction sites and some even have had drug abuse experiences managed to birth not only one, but two healthy children. Some less-to-do friends who don't even have a clue about the essential folic acid, folate, needless to mention spina-bifida, have had all their babies carried to full term with no complications and delivered at government hospital that charges only RM15.

Hey, my Dino hubby has less than ten teh-tarik glass of wine/beer or anything with alcohol in all his 38 years of life. Never smoked and is a healthy water buffalo. Same goes to me. Yet, we are having a world load of struggle just to have A BABY.

Its our karma, for intentionally aborting 'that one baby' we conceived in 1996 July, for a stupid and selfish reason of "career not stable with no savings". Millions of people were like us then and yet they raised three-four kids. Aiiiiii.............

I need to close this chapter. I need to give myself a rest of mind. I need a break after a good 3 weeks of torturous life-in-slow-motion.

But shutts!!! I almost forgot. Dr warned, i must be observant for any sudden fainting, sudden total numbness on the shoulders or acute one-side abdominal pain. It could be due to the ectopic pregnancy rupture if it does not abort naturally. Dino dad was warned to be ever ready to admit me to the nearest hospital if this should happen.

 

Now, that's no rest at all. And how dumb-ass i was to think that i should celebrate tonight because the bleeding has finally stopped throughout the day.

 

Confined to bed-rest

This is the best image i've ever seen in this whole year - a positive pregnancy test. And now i can gladly stop going to the pharmacies for test kits.

But the light-bleeding wouldn't stop. So doc did a transvaginal ultrasound. The vaginal scan did not find a supposed gestational sac (the baby) as i should be having in my five and a half week now. Instead, he found the fibroids. Yes, they are still there. Its nothing new. I got to know it during the first vaginal scan back in December 2007 with another fertility doc. He said its not big deal. It will go away eventually. Looks like these fibroids have been making a home in here.

The doc made 3 possibilities:

(1) I might have a missed-date calculation, which means, i

 might have a later ovulation date then i thought. If this is the case, the doc said another scan by next week would suppose to see the sac if bleeding stop the next few days.

(2) Pending miscarriage.

(3) An ectopic pregnancy. The 'little fella' (a name Dino dad and i developed for the baby) might have implanted itself elsewhere.

Next step - the hCG test.

Result out but not promising. Lower than normal. Again, the above 3 possibilities apply. And to do another hCG on MOnday. 

Went to see another gynea for under Sinseh's recommendation yesterday morning. This new woman gynae too ruled out the above 3 possibilities. She said she can't trace any heartbeat, and that's the sign the fetus might probably is unhealthy. She bent more towards a impending miscarriage. Anyway, she prescribed 2 dosages of progesterone daily and hope that it would somehow make its way back to normal.

We went home devastated. And now i am confined to bed rest from now on until the next hCG result. If its still drop further, i will make a decision by then.

IT IS SO CONFUSING!!!

The bleeding only lasted for about 8 hours yesterday and stopped for the whole night. I thought i was in the clear. Beaming with hope, i took the courage to fast-forward the urine test. AND IT WAS POSITIVE!!! 

But the 2nd indicator was quite faint. At least there's evidently a 2nd line!

Thinking that this test will be my last and final test, that i could finally close the chapter, out of a sudden i felt a gush of flush down there. It was bright crimson!

Oh noooooo. Can life be anymore cruel? Can my karma be anymore wicked? Giving me a positive sign at one minute and slapping me to crude reality at another instant. All merry immediately erased from my emotion box and urgency reined. Hit the phone and rang some numbers for appointment with a gyne.

Found one at Subang Medical Center. Rushed up the jobs for a client than sped off for the 2.30pm appointment. 

Vaginal-scan showed there are 3-4 fibroids inside my uterus and no sign of a growing fetus. Cervix is fine. The gyne then ordered a urine pregnancy test to make sure he cover his ground. He had probably saw that my face was sending out a strong unspoken message "Don't let me start telling you what to do, doc."

It was almost 3pm and the satelite lab, did live up to its meaning, release a 'satelite' pregnancy urine test result and oh my my my my..... IT WAS POSITIVE TOO!!!!! And it was done with ClearBlue top grade kit. And i thought i could have gotten a fake result with my RM9.95 kit this morning, thus given me a faint 2nd line.

Now, the doc became unsure. Ultrasound said No but test said YES. Next, blood test for hCG (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin Hormone)

Its 9.30pm now. Again, i am in a red-clear time zone. How weird? Could this odd light bleeding is the shedding of some of the fibroids as they are no longer growing from feeding on the herb-based-estrogen-treatment? STOP!!! i better not kill myself with crazy self-play-doctor-analysis. I need sleep and lots of jokes to get me by this night, so that i can be ready for tomorrow's hCG result.

Damn it! I bleed!

All of a sudden, i started to flush bright crimson at 9.30am. Despite all symptoms of early pregnancy remained strong.

Damn it! damn it! And fuck to hell! All gods be damned!

And damn 'that' client - incompetent, shoe-shinning and narcissistic peanut worker-of-a-company! Damn you, dill-hole!

I'm pregnant! Again!

........... finally!

I'm pregnant again. Confirmed by Sinseh this morning. I have passed the day-36 mark after ovulation. She felt my pulses for the longest time and eventually declared "The baby is on!" All vitals (her term, anyway) are fine. "The baby is already feeding on my breast milk", she even said.

No hurry. Apart from traditional Chinese medical proof, i will get a Western clinical proof too. By next week. I want to make pretty sure i will see the word "Pregnant" when i finally pee on it. I want it to be the last and final kit.

In the meantime, let the Dinos be at and enjoy Disc 4 The 70s show. I need to get away from stress. I need to get lots of relaxation. And, i need to sleeeeeeep!

Hollywood Twins

Cycle 17 : Day 32

Passed the day-32 mark and stillllll looking good.

All vital physical symptoms remain the same except the bloating has shown significant reduction. Quite a relieve, after months of continuous bloating.

Can an unfertilized egg still get implanted somehow? uh? uh? Maybe i should start seeing a fertility specialist right away. So that doc can test all vital hormones sufficiency for sure. But these docs are crocodiles. Or maybe i should take the estrogen, progesterone and hCG tests at BP.

Should i just trust Joey Yap's reading that TCM is my only wood cure? Or should i combine? Expansive leh. Just wait and see laaaaa........ 

Cycle 17 : Day 30

Already passed the Day-30-5 pm mark and still looking positive.

All the pregnant signs are still intact; the breast tenderness especially on the lower half moon of the twins and they are much much fuller seen from all angles. Looks seductive. Frequent urination has started since yesterday. Bowel movement slowed.

But the urine test kit was 'Not Pregnant'. Can it be that my egg did not get fertilized and yet still got implanted because i have been doubling up the herbal white pills? Sinseh did not mentioned what those white pills contain. And its not like i'd be able to comprehend the TCM medical jargons if she would care to explain. Last cycle, she prescribed it immediately after she declared i was pregnant. 

From my research, progesterone is the key to implantation and sustaining pregnancy for the first trimester. Some sites warmed that even a slight drop would easily trigger a miscarriage. And fertility specialists have evidently encountered time over again that many miscarriages at during the early pregnancy were cases of weak and short luteal phase and caused low progesterone level, hence triggered spontaneous miscarriage without the mom-to-be realizing it. Thinking back, Sinseh did made a mistake for not prescribing the white pills earlier. In fact, i was on the chocolate pills until late into day-35. Now i can strongly name these chocolate pills as the herbal-version of estrogen booster. The western medical research paper said too much estrogen can suffocate the fetus. Hear that!! Now i am angry. 

With all information i learned, literally from every where, i'd be my own doctor. I doubled the white pills since day 24. A fertility site even mentioned that most fertility doctors would prescribe progesterone even as early as right after ovulation. 

Fingers crossed. Hope alleviated. And prayers resume. Thank you for those of you who have been including us in your daily prayer. We need all the luck that we can get. This baby is obviously enjoying lots of persuasion and cooing before deciding to come by our door. 

And thanking to my Christian friends who have been encouraging me to drop by their churches so that Jesus can hear me. Christianity is a beautiful religion. Its just i do not believe in embracing another faith just to ask for a baby. It would reflect my greediness outright and my insincerity naked to everyone's eyes. But i do hope that if its not too much, i surely hope my Christian friends can include me in their prayer. And muuuuuahh muuuuahh

Cycle 17 : Day 29

Ok, passed the day-28 mark and still no sign of red.

But i have a negative urine test with TruBlue this morning that spelled in simple English 'Not Pregnant'. Very very broken hearted. The sky outside started to look gloomy though my dogs were jumping up and down excitingly anticipating their usual morning pat-on-the-head and breakfast laced with the chocolate-smelling multivitamin sauce.

There were so many questions i thought to bring up to challenge the Sinseh afterwards. But that never came. The Sinseh had a longer than usual time in feeling my pulses. Her two thin brows came together on and off. Finally, she spoken. "Your egg is still intact, not yet explode, but i can't find pulses on the egg. Not sure if your egg is fertilized". My heart sank to the floor with a second negative result all in one morning.

I told her i got a negative urine test too about 3 hours ago. In response, i got a snap on my wrist. She said its too early for that. She would normally advise for a urine test 7-8 days after passing the menstral d-day. And, she confidently declared that if my egg has 'busted', she can never missed 'feeling' it through her more than 20-over years of TCM practice. 

At least one match-stick size of hope lightened up my spirit immediately. No prescription for the week and i am to see her again immediately the next week. "Don't you think i would need you feeling my pulses to tell me i'm pregnant if mensus still won't start till next Friday?" i thought to myself. I will be as happy as a hummingbird by then.

At 8.30pm now, still no droplets of red. A relieve but tagging along anxiety. Honestly, i am feeling i have already begin to loose my faith with Buddha and other deities a little by a little. Just hope that stash of 300 or so of 'fu' i have completed would help to alleviate my chance in conceiving sooner.

I think i have to shelve Dino dad's plan to bring pepsi and corgi to sepang beach to next week. I have better stay lazy tomorrow in hope to lessen movement that can impact my implantation.

So sorry to my girls.