Cycle 29 - 2nd IVF

I can't seem to put down my Twilight Saga books - I am re-reading them a third time. And i think i am going to go on to the fourth round devoutly when i go into confinement after the embryo transfer in middle of March 2010.

Its embarrassingly enough to admit that i am having a deep crush on Edward Cullen! - i still couldn't sink the fact in that i am still capable of having infatuation at this age of mine now - and the world he lived in. It is kinda like me feeling twenties again all of a sudden. It's his face - Robert Pattinson - that i couldn't get enough of. Urgg.... so geram. I have been, literally, floating through my days-of-denial this past month living in his world dreamily. Bella and Edward's family have somehow made my recent three weeks of post miscarriage seemed lighter to bear, though there were the occasional depression and emotional coastal-roller rides. At some point i kinda of felt the need to take a silent gratitude to my own fate that it was a blessing to have found Bella and Edward at the darkest time of need.

Also, perhaps the 太陰星 and 太陽星 have finally visited my life chart in 2010. I like to believe that 太陰星 has somehow escalated my enthusiasm in creative writing - its the one passion that i have neglected for some long time - and propel my hidden and sleeping talent subconscious mind to kick start its production factory. Just a week back, on the flying trip to Hatyai, my head was spinning a synopsis of a love story - of which it suddenly crept up - and was completed by the time we touched down in KL. Amazing! I swear i couldn't even peel my eyelids to work on anything mentally in the whole 2009. I am absolutely feeling hyper since the turn on Feb 4, 2010 and my mind has been racing non-stop tapping on fresh leads on story plots and any new ideas that can sprout the publishing of a book, hopefully before the year's out. Oh, did i

mentioned i am writing some songs too? And trying my hand on penning lyrics? And all the while trying to thwart the maddening compulsion to get my hands on the original Twilight New Moon dvd - to be released in March 2010 - and the thirst for any news flash or releases on Twilight Eclipse. How crazy could one get when one is in love? When was the last time i was this crazy over someone? That crush on Keanu Reeves and Rob Lowe - when i was in my teen - didn't even come close.

Love you more, Edward. Because of you and your everything i'd desired in a man-of-my-dream, i'd managed to put behind the grudge, the bleakness and the anger i'd lashed out towards this stupid life cycle. I am all renewed - mentally and physically - again to face yet another arduous road trip of needle-pricking days and depleting huge sum off our savings for a second IVF.

Love you even more, Edward, because somehow your dream-like quality of a personality has mellowed my eagle personality - a characteristic categorization science i'd learned in my psychology counseling sessions - and awaken my dove personality - a trait i didn't know i possessed derived from the Dr Leonard Yong's personality test. No wonder i could submerge my mind into Edward's world so easily ever since the first time i laid my hand on Twilight books in December 2009. And to so easily fire up my creative intuition surrounding the mythical world of romance again - something i have buried don't-know-where in my recent years to make way for serious thrashing in a life i have called career.

Honest - check again - yeah, honestly, i do feel truly good spirited and somewhat happy after the turn on Feb 4. I am feeling ... confident too that i am going to succeed in this second IVF. Perhaps my double 太陽星 has already began to work on me. Perhaps 太陰星 is very potent for me especially in this 庚虎 - my nobleman star - year sitting on my wealth element.

Looks like my next two weeks will be filled with anxiety again. Only this time, the anxious hours would be more productively countered with book and songs writing.

Jasper, Edward and Ivanna ... mommy will be seeing you again soon.

I AM SO DAMN PISSED!!!!!

Why wouldn't baby choose to be born in my family?

We have worked our asses off the last thirteen years to make ourselves financially independent. We have put desire and luxury last on our list while taking up few jobs that occupied our human time ten to twelve hours a day. We weathered through two recessions. Now we have a big house with two extra empty rooms. We have two properties to our names. Any any baby be born in this home would get to be don in Baby Guess and be chauffeured around in a real-time 4WD. Any baby be born to my home will get the finest education in life tutored by a pair of wisdom centric parents whom not only teaching the finest traits of humanity but to know how to give back to the society. This baby will get to travel to see the world before getting his or her driving license. This baby will not need to learn hardship of life, instead, he or she will fully utilize the growing years learning ways to better human life. Any baby be born to us would have names so unique that they would be the envy of their school friends. Any baby would get to listen to Chopin, Sarah Brightman and Chant of Metta while they are still inside my womb. Any baby be born in my home would get to sleep in quiet air-conditioned room furnished with his own little library stuffed with wonderful and exciting books of the world. If we perished in accident, this baby would be an overnight millionaire heir or heiress.

Why choose to go crawling through pathetic holes of others who couldn't even feed themselves three meals a day properly? Why choose to be born in family where the man of the house even need to temporary stop installing their basic life policy? But every day babies are born to families with deplorable conditions; dirty homes, playing dangerously by the roadside or hazard environment, exposed to psychotics baby snatcher, seeking government hospital treatment when ill, malnourish from poor parenting, and some horrible conditions i couldn't bring myself to even pity them.

People under such deplorable condition can bear children as easy as frying an egg sunny-side-up. What's the logic in this? What's the acceptable reasoning in this? For those who believe their gods are the so called 'creator', let me ask you one question: why does your god prefer to put babies to suffer by placing them in deplorable families? Do you like to watch their life suffer, liked their life a board game to you? Oh, so that they can learn the value of life through their growing years? Oh, so that they can learn to appreciate life more? Yeah, tell that to families of victims' of snatch theft. Don't forget to explain to members of the Mat Rempit or the mobs or the drug addicts, oh, and children abusers too.

Oh, i deserved my bad karma, you say? That i have had encouraged neutering of domestic pets and strays during my active years with PAWS and SPCA? That i have sent too many dogs and cats to the local vets for spaying, so now i am justifiably receiving my retribution? That i have messed with nature's order or pro-creation? Do i need to justify myself to morons out there who think of us that way? Yeah, i think maybe its utmost necessary to explain to these un-medically educated morons that as a matter of fact, all the dogs and cats that i have sent for spaying, have been living a more-than-wonderful-disease-free life since then. They are now as happy as equivalent to human seniors in their 70s and 80s. They don't suffer hormonal surges. They don't need to fight over carnal pleasures. They don't need to suffer carnally spread diseases. They are less at risk with reproduction cancers. They enjoy level temperament and that in turns give their owner better peace of mind. Neighbors and society are assured of no future nuisance with infestation of over-breeding stray kittens and puppies. As long as these spayed dogs and cats are constantly displaying happy gestures evidently through their vigorous flagging tail, lapping owners faces and jumping in excited yeps even in their old age, wouldn't these be sufficiently contributing to good merits? Or do our society need more strays roaming the streets, ravaging our dustbins for food and keeping us up at night with murderous dogfights during mating seasons? So i mess around with nature's order or am i contributing to society? Tell me straight to my face, if you dare come forward to justify yourself.

Every now and then, i feel no pity when i see a baby playing dangerously by a drain while his mother is busying serving customers mee rebus. Month-old baby riding in mom's arm on a motorcycle with dad in the rain? Oh, your child does not like school? Oh, that child was abducted by stranger? Excuse me, your husband's meager RM2000 salary couldn't afford revision books for your eldest child of five? I see, you didn't know folic acid is crucial to prevent spinal bifida in babies?

Who cares. You have chosen to be born in such family. Deserve it! Or blame it on your god. Oh, your perfect god has a reason for your suffering and he wouldn't tell you why? You were sold on such nonsense? Then please continue to suffer; i wouldn't want to hinder your subscription to such psychotic concept authored by the one almighty-yet-no-one-saw-him. I would be damned to hell for blasphmey? Where is hell, actually? Isn't it obvious? We are already living in hell everyday. We are all damned from day one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(panting.....) i am so pissed!

i need to grieve .........................

When breasts tenderness faded completely at certain hours of day 14, i'd recognized the sign of an impending miscarriage. The urine test taken at the medical center showed negative. When doc asked about my breast sensation, i grimaced. The outlook was grim. The next twenty four hours was pure torture despite putting on the confident facet, numbing my brain with self-hypnotizing phrases taught in The Secrets.

The Sunday morning (day 16) saw blood during urination. The strong walls surrounding my self-bricked wall beginning to shatter. Tears and fear choked my throat so bad i didn't want to talk for a good half of the morning until we reached our queue standing in front of the living 天后娘娘 begging for her divine intervention. "Please", we begged, "do whatever you can. Help me. Please just help stop this impending miscarriage". That was the first time in fourteen days, i broke down in front of fifteen other devotees at the temple. My tears continued to flood my eyes while 天后娘娘 delivering her assurance that my babies were alright. Perhaps 天后娘娘's words were like a soothing cushion to my exhausted aching heart. Perhaps, 天后娘娘's words were like the last straw that i could still cling on safely. It was embarrassing for i had never cried in public. But i felt immediate relieve when others were showing sincere understanding. I could even read their eyes feeling pity for me and Dino dad while they cradled their toddlers in arms.

I was spent of emotion. The feeling of resigning was slowly creeping up. I burrowed through the remaining of the day till midnight in Twilight Breaking Dawn. Twilight series was and still are my personal brand of 'high'. Escaping into Twilight's world was and still is my only escape from the cruel reality of my karmic life.

My favorite Bella survived a miracle pregnancy and given birth to an angelic baby Renesmee with my all-time favorite Edward Cullen vampire. What did i get? I've got a miscarriage on Monday (day 17) afternoon when the toilet paper held a all-too-clear clump of fresh red tissue. I showed the discharge to Dino dad and our world crumbled down mercilessly. The rest of the day went by in a blur. Doc confirmed the miscarriage at about 9 pm - the ultrasound scan showed my endometrium has shrank from 16mm to 9mm. The fibroids remain large in sizes but they were no way near my womb - the only piece of good news.

I bled for eight days - the longest period of my whole life, second after the IUI experience last April 2009. I continued to lost myself in Twilight books - living in Bella and Edward's world. Foods were tasteless. The post-ivf-miscarriage seemed to mess up my appetite - i no longer feel hunger. I'd lost 4kg in ten days.

Dino dad gave me my quiet space. Silence seems to be the pleasure for both of us. We just lost ourselves in quiet embraces at time with not a word spoken. He hurt bad too. He has just turned 40 and still no baby in his arms. It pain him even more to see me all bloated up and writhing in pain with excessive hormone. It burned him every awakening minute he tried not to think about the already-researched knowledge of the potential in me developing cancer in my later age due to all this injected high dosage of hormonal IVF medications.

Life is so cruel to us.......

Day 17 (Feb 1) - Devastated

Around 2.30pm, i discharged a lump of what looked like a mash of red flesh. I instantly understood, though not recognizing the shapes, it was my babies.

All three of my babies died.

I need to grieve...