i need to grieve .........................

When breasts tenderness faded completely at certain hours of day 14, i'd recognized the sign of an impending miscarriage. The urine test taken at the medical center showed negative. When doc asked about my breast sensation, i grimaced. The outlook was grim. The next twenty four hours was pure torture despite putting on the confident facet, numbing my brain with self-hypnotizing phrases taught in The Secrets.

The Sunday morning (day 16) saw blood during urination. The strong walls surrounding my self-bricked wall beginning to shatter. Tears and fear choked my throat so bad i didn't want to talk for a good half of the morning until we reached our queue standing in front of the living 天后娘娘 begging for her divine intervention. "Please", we begged, "do whatever you can. Help me. Please just help stop this impending miscarriage". That was the first time in fourteen days, i broke down in front of fifteen other devotees at the temple. My tears continued to flood my eyes while 天后娘娘 delivering her assurance that my babies were alright. Perhaps 天后娘娘's words were like a soothing cushion to my exhausted aching heart. Perhaps, 天后娘娘's words were like the last straw that i could still cling on safely. It was embarrassing for i had never cried in public. But i felt immediate relieve when others were showing sincere understanding. I could even read their eyes feeling pity for me and Dino dad while they cradled their toddlers in arms.

I was spent of emotion. The feeling of resigning was slowly creeping up. I burrowed through the remaining of the day till midnight in Twilight Breaking Dawn. Twilight series was and still are my personal brand of 'high'. Escaping into Twilight's world was and still is my only escape from the cruel reality of my karmic life.

My favorite Bella survived a miracle pregnancy and given birth to an angelic baby Renesmee with my all-time favorite Edward Cullen vampire. What did i get? I've got a miscarriage on Monday (day 17) afternoon when the toilet paper held a all-too-clear clump of fresh red tissue. I showed the discharge to Dino dad and our world crumbled down mercilessly. The rest of the day went by in a blur. Doc confirmed the miscarriage at about 9 pm - the ultrasound scan showed my endometrium has shrank from 16mm to 9mm. The fibroids remain large in sizes but they were no way near my womb - the only piece of good news.

I bled for eight days - the longest period of my whole life, second after the IUI experience last April 2009. I continued to lost myself in Twilight books - living in Bella and Edward's world. Foods were tasteless. The post-ivf-miscarriage seemed to mess up my appetite - i no longer feel hunger. I'd lost 4kg in ten days.

Dino dad gave me my quiet space. Silence seems to be the pleasure for both of us. We just lost ourselves in quiet embraces at time with not a word spoken. He hurt bad too. He has just turned 40 and still no baby in his arms. It pain him even more to see me all bloated up and writhing in pain with excessive hormone. It burned him every awakening minute he tried not to think about the already-researched knowledge of the potential in me developing cancer in my later age due to all this injected high dosage of hormonal IVF medications.

Life is so cruel to us.......