cycle 29 (2nd IVF Day 10) - 2WW blues

I'd nearly had a breakdown this morning - my breasts were devoid of pains to the touch. That flicked me out of my stupor liked ice-cold water poured onto me. I said up on my bed and started pressing my breast all over lightly trying to detect some pain. Though i've got some tenderness but the symptoms were very weak. My nipples had went from non-touchable to press-able. I zombied through the regular morning routine and i ate breakfast without tasting the wanton mee.

I simple couldn't bring myself to do or make my brain to think of anything else. I didn't even tell Dino dad. After the morning shower, i sat in front of the TV at 9.45am before switching on New Moon DVD, i concentrated on chanting "I have a strong womb, my babies are strong and i will see them in nine months time" over and over for a long moment. Though the chanting did not settled my fear, but i could feel the tenderness on my breasts increased slightly. Yeah, don't think i'm crazy - i know and took mental note on every little significant or insignificant symptoms that goes on in my body.

I do entirely aware that all symptoms of possible implantation i am feeling right now are caused by the drugs i am subjecting my body to; i know full well that hCG injections raised alkaline taste at my throat all day to the extend i'd felt two-percent-nauseous, the intense breast tenderness feeling is also the work of hCG and progesterone suppository, the fatigue, five-percent increase in urination and engorged nipples. I welcome all these. These symptoms help me to stay focus and think positively. In fact, and not shy to declare, i cling my sanity to it.

There's nothing i want more this year than holding an infant in my arms. I'd even prepared to drop all my careers if i were really pushed to that - as told to me by bazi consultants that it was indicated in my bazi to be a one hundred-percent mom should i conceived successfully. Whatever, i don't mind. I am ready for all eventuality that might shift the horizon of my work life.

Now, as i write, the breast tenderness had got stronger but slightly lesser than yesterdays. But at least the metallic taste on my throat returned. Many IVF mom-to-be websites cited that the two-week-wait should not be an eventful period, that there're usually not much significant symptoms to catch even if the lucky mom is carrying twins. The best confirmation lies on day 14 when doc would summon a urinal test and most IVF docs claimed that any pregnancy urinal tests done will not be reliable until 16 days after egg collection.

Well, i am four days away. And these days of the 2ww are most nerve-racking time of the whole treatment cycle. It is the only period when two major impacts can be felt at once - the elation for knowing my babies could have successfully implanted when there's still significant symptoms to be felt, whereas sandwiched on the other side of the moment is the feeling of uncertainly, of possible deflation of spirit, when i am feeling so helpless like a fat, useless potato couch with thousands of questions fleeting in my head that no one could answer - even God, even specialists. I want to reach for the dial, but who could i call? The counsellor? (Please! people are getting pregnancy like eating peanuts every day. They have more suicidal cases on hand) The IVF support group? (let me know i there's one near you) The doctors? (These species are trained for their hand skills which the universities had forgotten they have a mouth too) The nurses? (Huh? iss it? Yes ah? I don't know la. I only work here.) Friends? (Two types. Type one : Uh-uh, yes yes, excuse me for one second, (yelling) Boy, if you don't stop that i will smack you. Ok, where were we? Isn't my baby girl looking like his daddy...? Type two: Uh-uh, yes yes, my god who's kids are those? Somebody stop them from screaming like monkeys. My ears hurt. Ok, where were we? Sigh.......................... again ................. and again ......................

In the meantime, anyone want to be my surrogate mother? Or do you have an extra healthy baby you couldn't afford to feed or give grade A education? I don't mind having more even if i have my own. My house is big and there's only two people, two dogs and a few cats living here. Got extra empty rooms.