Cycle 27 @ day 6 - Began TCM treatment

Consulted a Chinese professor, from China, at Tung Shin Hospital today. Disclosed all my TSH blood tests (collected over two years) results to doc. Also talked about my intention for IVF and shared Dino dad's sperm test result with doc too.

Only 2 minutes into the consultation - so short a period that i could even feel the chair's cold leather on my butts - doc has reached his initial diagnosis - "I am the problem! (y' know, not able conceive thingy). Whoa! fast leh.

That's the amazing factor of seeing TCM. These China-docs have never failed to amaze me.

Well, thanks to the year's massive yang-earth burying poor xin-metal me, my temperament has been in retarded mode throughout the year. Perhaps, i am in desperation for whatever treatment measures that doc can give me to tune my body mechanism back to top performance? Whatever. I am definitely positioned in the receptive mode, willing to take in all that i can get to assist my goal.

He has prescribed 'tiao li' - redressing of woman's vital hormones and chi. My mouth opened to a big O when the prescription desk fella handed me a huge bag of herbs prescribed for 7-day course, and i believed it weighed more than a kilo. Surprisingly, it only cost RM70 + RM25 consultation fee.

Dino dad spent a good two hours brewing the herb tea. The brewing instruction takes up two third of an A4. Actually, the brewing process is not that tedious but it required attentive monitoring of duration as not to overcook it, otherwise, effort unjustified. Hassle? I can say it over and over again. That's the thingy with TCM. The brewing process factors young adults from picking interest in seeking TCM treatment. Well, Tung Shin realized this and they do provide brewing service on behalf and it only additional RM14. But i couldn't afford spending another 2 hours waiting in this hospital, excuse moa, its a working day!

I have always hated the raw taste of herbs. Bitterness is the last thing i would choose to swallow if there's a choice. Fortunately, i have excellent concentration power. Like a good girl who would get her first car for her 18th birthday, i finished up 2 soup-bowl of dark liquid. No complain. No choking. No convulsion like before. I attribute this first successful consumption of damn bitterness to the sign of good omen. Yeah! another solid step closer to my ultimate target.

Thyroxine @ 100mg a day + strong daily TCM, i feel....no, wait,....i actually quite sure i can resume my best of health within a month, just in time to face head on with the dreadful daily injections as outlined in the IVF process.

Yes, i can do it. I am going to have a fantastic 2010 Chinese New Year sharing with family and friends my would-be ultrasound images of my twin babies.

Cycle 27 @ day 5 - Hypothyroid relapsed

The TSH blood test report came in today. Bad news - hypothyroid relapsed @ 5.82 (exceeded the max of 5.50)

No wonder breathing seemed tight and laboring yesterday whole day. Rationally, this report explained the unfruitful ttc past few cycles. Irrationally, i am tempted to cry "why!!! 天后娘娘, you are supposed to help me bent towards miracle?"

hhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiii..................

Cycle 27 @ day 4 - Be Strong!

Ok fine. Period flushed on Nov 27. Yeah disappointed but not thhaaat much anymore. Kinda numb to this replay.

Next, IVF it is. Got to take action in own hands since no help from divinity. I believe our past karma is too strong even for divine intervention. Perhaps Buddha's teaching hold true - that no one can change one's fate other than oneself. Obviously our past lives sins indicated the involvement of money. To torture myself more, i am beginning to paint the picture of a scene in one of our past lives whereby we, as a damn selfish couple of a wealthy family, had chose not to extend financial assistance to help a sickly lower caste child to get medicinal treatment which resulted the child eventually died of the illness.

Good imagination leh. If not, how else to explain that why we have to strive triple hard and tripled spending in almost every goals in life when others might just easily achieve the same thing at just one go? Blame it on past karma. Sigh......

Spend RM12,000, spend la, what to do? Its must be karma. Need to settle the past $$ debt. Otherwise, we are out of our wits trying to fathom what the hell is wrong with our body??? Report clearly showed sperm count is averagely good. Though 2 millions is the benchmark deemed medically excellent, but hey, even drug addicts or drunkards can father a child as easy as chewing on nuts. What more, i only need ONE to make a baby. Is it too much to ask??

Indonesian domestic maid with imbalance nutrient feeds during their growing years can bear children like pigs. Many even labored 10 hours in constructions work or as cleaning maids and able to carried pregnancy smoothly to full nine months!! Me? I am just having a few fibroids which sizes dr said are too small to be of concern. A friend of mine is already in her second trimester with a recurrence of cycst growing as large as her baby, incredible is it? Yeah, compared to her, my fibroids seemed like no issue at all, and still i can't get pregnant!!!

Another girlfriend bore 3 wonderful sons despite an ovarian cysts burst incident. My sister-in-law recovered from lupus potential condition is now a beaming 13 week old new mom. Another guyfriend who is a controlled diabetic managed to father two beautiful girls and now a newborn son. There's a girlfriend who had tried to cause miscarry through jumping off from high chair, punching own tummy and drinking abortive herbs is now a happy mom of a thirteen-going-fourteen year-old son. And me? For 26 cycles, i have been dutifully stayed away from my favorite watermelons, religiously downing folic acid each night, balancing diets, watching weights, taking bak foong yun, practicing law of attraction and doing all things that could possibly be done to enhance change of pregnancy. The reward is another failed cycle.

haiiiiiii.....karma, karma. Who knows, sweet fate could be installed for those (like us) who gave all that we have? Who knows, when all things bottom up, we look up to see clear rainbow overhead? Who knows, we would get the twins we'd always wanted?

Fortunately, we are well-endowed with strong characters and damn patience. We pick up ourselves very quickly after each failure. And we are taking every last opportunities that are available. IVF is the next. Its damn expensive but we are prepared to pay to offset karma if it has to be. So be it.

Cycle 26 @ day 29 - I have passed the 1st!

ooooooooohhh.....the suspense is killing me

8.45am - Though this morning bright sun was a freshener to all those 2 weeks glooming rainy days, i was greeted with a patch of dark brown discharge on the tissue. Shown it to dino dad and we were both same time sighing. So sui meh?

Today is day-29 - the 'd' day. Same day last month and 2 months before saw the menses flushing already. However, the last 2 days had passed by monotonously. That was great. No sign of spotting but quite a bit of white discharge.

9.30-10.15am - Spent extra 15 minutes lingering at the mamak store with cham, savoring the pre-public holiday morning knowing most clients would leave us alone for their long weekend break of hari Qurban.

10.30 - 12.00pm - Intentionally made myself very busy with work just to take block my mind from wandering back to counting the clock. I could be flushing anytime. It has been the pattern to flush at this hours in the morning for the last 3 months. 天后娘娘 and many others have repeatedly told me not to think about 'getting it or not'. But it would take a super dog not to eat a well-done honey roasted steak that's sitting right in front of him. I tried not to think, i swear. The minute i got a breather from work, my consciousness directed my senses to feel down there, is it wet or dry, wet or dry. If its wet, i have to check it the color with a white tissue. That's how i have been spending my days around the 'd' timing. Tired leh.....

1pm - The half morning had went by with no sign of flushing yet. Yeh! yeh! Its was the 1st checkpoint successfully passed for the first time in more than twelve months. We went for lotus soup happily and the lunch was quite satisfying. By then we were started telling each other - this is it!

3-5pm - Busy, busy, busy thrashing out work before we close for the long weekend. And also made the effort to trace back outstanding commissions, which is the job of my accountant. To avoid making myself brushing my vagina skin with too frequent wiping, i think its ok to ease my accountant's job one in a while.

6-7pm - Rushed home to walk pepsi and corgie and heat up dinner. Got to get out of the house by 8pm to reach temple before 8.30pm. So far so good, no flushing yet, just light patch of gluey beige brown discharge on and off just the whole day. On the way to the temple, dino dad and i suggested some funny names for the boys - hahaha, we just assume the make-believe to be twins because i have indeed wowed and prayed for a pair of healthy twin boys. That's all i wanted if that would be all that i can have in this life. I would settle for even one if that's all i'd be given. My mind is made up so firm and readily accepting that i'd be more than happy to receive a baby girl if that's what i can have in this life.

9.00-11.30pm - 天后娘娘 conducted a blessing ceremony and i prayed fervently for the good sign to continue and make November 2009 be my first month of pregnant.....please.

1.01am - Just showered and now blogging. I still feel dry down there. I should be happy. I should just be relaxed. I should just let the fate take me. I should be resting my body now, to stretch out my lower abdomen so that the fetus won't get kemek by those extra spare tyres that have taken a permanent place around my tummy. I shall give this fetus more room to grow.

Ok, stop blogging now and to bed. Hopefully this fourteen day-old babies would show themselves to me in my dream tonight.

Oh yeah, i nearly forget to make entry....my sister-in-law text to break the good news - they are having a boy!!!! and her dr said the baby is healthy. My parents are proud first-time grandparent now.

Cycle 26 @ day 24 - The signs are looking

There are some good signs which are happening at the right time, right days of the month. Breasts tenderness started after ovulation and lasts till today, stronger in the late afternoon but strongest from midnight onwards. I am feeling easily sleepy and Dino dad's business seems to be picking up back again. And Mother Tian Hou has felt my pulses and said "可以啦，可以啦". She said she had counted numerous times with the same result of "雙喜林門" and couldn't be wrong.

Its better be, Mother Tian Hou. I have reached the desperate stage already as I will turn thirty-seven in two months time, and Dino dad 40. And i need a tiger baby. And then you, Mother Tian Hou will rest for one full month before resume consultation. Arrrrggggg

Anyway, we have made up our mind to go for IVF next month if this month, fingers crossed, fail again. We have decided in one voice enough is enough. Perhaps our fate require us to spend off RM20,000 to redeem our past bad karma in order to achieve pregnancy. Maybe in one of my past lives, i had choosen not to rescue a critically illed wee barn because i couldn't part with my own savings, or maybe i was a cruel nai-nai who only kept sons, or maybe....enough tortouring myself.

In Buddhism teaching, the masters always preaches "no children means no one coming to collect debts from me." So i should be happy. Well, if after 40 still no baby, i will subscribe to this concept religiously.

For now, i have turned into a very shelfish mother-wanna-be. I have even choosen not to get close to anyone who is going low in their luck cycle, fearing it might affect my luck cycle. A Chinese Indonesian friend of mine came to KL three days ago intended to assist her sister to seek eye specialist attention on her 40 day-old grandson suspected with cancer lumps in both eyes. Actually, my felt melt in sorrow when the news reached me. It's liked not wanting to accept that life can be very cruel some time. I lied to her saying i'd be outstation on business till middle of next week so i could avoid not seemingly lan-si.

I feel so bad inside but i told myself i've got to take care of my own interest first. Do excuse me, i have waited 25 months and still not successful. And it is not the time to be emotionally generous especially to a family whose apparently sailing through a down cycle. I need all the good luck that i can get. I need to be surrounded with good and happy chi. I need to submerge in all-things-godly. That's the current plan and..... remaining 4 days left

The way to the heart through the face

Mastery Academy says:
One of the most common reasons why people turn to Face Reading is for relationship issues, or problems. When it comes to romance and matters of the heart, Face Reading can indeed be a tool as a means of evaluating the type of person one is getting involved with, and how committed they are to the relationship at hand.

Certain features can indeed determine better relationship luck:

Eyebrows
Long eyebrows denote a sentimental and empathetic personality who values ties with other people, while short eyebrows denote a hasty and temperamental personality.
For females, it's desirable that they have New Moon or Willow Leaf eyebrows. The former indicates that they'll be supportive and understanding towards their husband, while the latter denotes good affinity with the opposite sex, and the ability to care for the home.
Nose
A long, straight, and tall nose on a female indicates her ability to enhance her husband's luck and bring out his potential.
Since the nose represents the Wealth and Spouse Star for females, a good-quality nose on a woman indicates good husband luck.
A nose that is very high and tall, in proportion to the rest of the face, indicates a very strong ego - and the inability to bend or back down to a partner's will!
Temples
The temples at the sides of the forehead, near the corners of the eyes. This denotes the Spouse Palace for both men and women.
Clear and fleshy temples denote a good relationship with the spouse, while scars, dents, veins, moles or discolouration suggest problems and arguments.
Cheekbones
It's not desirable for a female to have high, prominent cheekbones - especially when coupled with a high, strong and bony nose. It means a controlling and domineering personality, one that will 'control' the husband too much.
Eyes
Long, slender eyes with clearly defined pupils and whites bode well for romantic relationships. This denotes a person with a clear heart and mind, unencumbered with worries or excess emotional baggage.
Eyes that are too small denote problems with communication and empathy. These people will not express what's really on their mind, which can lead to long-term issues.
Too-large eyes indicate an emotional, sensitive nature. They will need a lot of attention, especially those with big, round eyes that appear watery. It can be emotionally exhausting and draining for the partner.

These are just some of the simple ways to read a face for relationship outlook. In more advanced forms of Face Reading, there is Combination Position or Multi Position Face Reading, which combines the various disparate features to arrive at a more detailed and exhaustive evaluation.

As such, the balance has changed. As evolution can't be help, the wise approach is to go with the flow and modify our own expectations when it comes to relationships. Along with the change in the "power" balance between men and women, we have to accept the inevitable change of not just financial responsibility, but also in terms of who gets what done However, many women who are strong individuals and who need to accomplish their own goals other than the traditional ones of being a wife, mother and homemaker, commonly want the best of both worlds. They want to pursue a successful career and yet hope to be completely coddled and taken care of by their man. However, we know from a BaZi (and practical) standpoint this does NOT work!

In the meantime, all the best in your attempts at Face Reading... and remember to enjoy the process!

Jessie Lee
MA Instructor

Cycle 26 @ day 13 - My brother is expecting!!

Even my brother's wife, a recovered Lupus-potential patient, is successful in pregnancy. A year younger than me, my brother and his wife are now proud first-time-parent-to-be with a 13 week-old baby.

About the same time last year, they had their first carrying but the fetus heart stopped beating at week 8. Hence, it was aborted through D&C. With that incident, the dr. had prompted several series of tests on Kian, sister-in-law. The results diagnosed Kian was a lupus-potent, an autoimmune condition that the antibody coating the red blood cells is attacking its own body whenever there emergence of foreign body. Even though non-conclusive, we were all suspecting that the autoimmune condition could have killed the baby.

Kian started more series of testings, cost hundreds of Ringgit each test, to monitor the development of the condition while undergoing intensive traditional chinese treatment at Tung Shin hospital. RM400 per bi-weekly prescription. It all seems worthwhile now confirmed by the weekly heartbeat scans at the clinic. The estimated due date would be middle of May 2010. This baby will be the first 3rd generation of our family and the first grandchild to my father aged 73.

Today, I have scolded my brother upside down for being a smarty-pant deciding to delay taking the amniocentesis test. Though its really an expensive test that probably costs between RM800-RM1200, but Kian's stabilized condition summons the urgency.

I am happy for them though i pained inside in pity of my own failures. I just couldn't understand why i am being tortured with these continuous failings. Just last week, my fertility dr had just reconfirmed all my vitals are fine; my tubes not that blocked as i thought, my fibroids are not inside my womb, my hormones are in balance and Dino dad's sperm-count and vitals are above average. And still i can't conceive naturally!!!!!