I am an average Malaysian busybody. And also a petrol head. I am about toshower on you the usual Malaysian hospitality. Here it goes.....
Dear Mr Todt,
On behalf of all average Malaysians, I would like to congratulate you on
being accepted by our Government into the Malaysian 2nd Home scheme. I
could see that you are well pleased as your application was approved
"faster than a Ferrari", to borrow your words. You see, our Government is
very efficient. If they want to. That is. But frankly Mr Todt, that was not
fast enough. Because Ferraris are not that fast. You should have said,
"faster than a Nissan GTR". Now, that would be damn fast!
May I welcome you to Malaysia , your second home. I am sure you will be
pleased to bits to be here. Frankly, you will feel at home here. There are
so many Ferraris on the road here. And they all drive within the speed
limit, namely, 110. But of course they forget, the 110 shown on the
Ferrari's speedometer is in mph. At the F1 track, there are also many
Ferraris, although, quite strangely, some of them could be seen resting in
the gravel trap at turn 13. I don't really know why.
You may want to know what an "average" Malaysian is. Allow me to describe.
Average Malaysians are simple men and women. In the good old Great Britain ,
they might be referred to as "the simpletons". But you must remember, in
Malaysia, there are 2 categories of "simple" people.
First, there are simple people with entitlements to a lot of things. Like
flying first class on tax payers' money. Like making technical trips to far
Disneyland, Dubai or where ever. Like staying in Presidential suites at 5
star hotels and being driven in a limousine rented for more than RM2000 a
day. These are simple people with entitlements and also with simple tastes.
The second category are the simple people without entitlement. These are
people like myself. You can meet these people on the streets of Malaysia ,
in the LRT, LCCT or at the Central Market in KL. Their Disneyland is in Ulu
Kelang. Their Presidential suite is in their own terrace houses. And they
are driven daily in buses which also, sometime, double up as mobile
caskets!
I was looking at your picture with your pretty girlfriend the other day Mr
Todt. Gosh, you look old! But don't fret. In Malaysia , you can get easy and
cheap treatment for your old look and start looking younger by the day. You
just have to eat what most simple men eat in Malaysia . We call it " tempe "
(pronounced "tempt-pay"). Eat that stuff dude. You will look younger in no
time. But it won't make you any taller though, sadly. Or any longer, for
that matter.
Hahaha...another well written and terrifically hillarious unknown email reached my inbox. Got to share this one. If you are a Malaysian, you will enjoy this joke.
If you are feeling a tad tired in bed, fret not Mr Todt. In Malaysia , we do
not take viagra. We take a herb called Tongkat Ali. I tell you. We have
Tongkat Ali coffee. We also have Tongkat Ali tea. Even Tongkat Ali isotonic
drinks we have. The other day, I even saw Tongkat Ali toothpaste. Although
I must confess that it escaped me as to the exact functions of the Tongkat
Ali in a toothpaste. Soon I heard, Petronas might have a Tongkat Ali
premium fuel for cars like your Ferraris. Perhaps, with that fuel, your
Scuderia or Maranello might be able to be nearer to the GTR's tailpipe on
the track. Just perhaps.
There are several things which you cannot do in Malaysia Mr Todt. First of
all, you cannot, ever ever, mention the name of a certain dead Mongolian
woman. No. You cannot do that. You see, I am not even mentioning it. Not
only that. You cannot read about her too. Or hear news about her. No, you
cannot. Remember that.
If you did, you might be arrested and put in the lock up. Oh no. You
wouldn't want that to happen Mr Todt. In the lock up, you might turn crazy
and beat yourself with certain blunt, hard, but flexible (let me repeat
that, "but flexible") object. This may cause lacerations and deep wounds on
your body. But again, do not fret Mr Todt. Because if you do not suffer
from an "underlying acute myocarditis", you will be okay. Meaning, you
won't die. You will only die if you have that condition. Otherwise, you may
continue to whack yourself silly with the blunt, hard but very flexible
object and nothing will happen to you. You might froth in the mouth, like
the first time you saw Ms Yeoh, but you will not die. Don't worry.
Speaking of being worried, are you worried about your safety in Malaysia ?
If you do, just call the Home Ministry. It will organise your detention
under the Internal Security Act, in order to protect your safety. You can
then wine and dine in a dimly lit dungeon. A blunt, hard, but very
flexible, object might be given to you for further safety. By the way,
while we are talking about safety, you may not want to go anywhere near a
place in KL called Chow Kitt. That place, mind you, is so unsafe that even
a police beat was closed down because the police were feeling unsafe!
Do you like reality TV Mr Todt? If you do, Malaysia is the place for you.
You can choose from an array of reality TV shows. We have all the reality
TV shows from the US and UK . But if you prefer local ones, there are also a
hell of a lot.
The thing is, Malaysia - the whole Malaysia , that is - is a reality show by
itself. But the voting takes place only once in 4 or 5 years. The current
reality show started on March the 8th last year. The voting will take place
within the next 4 years or so. But sometime, just to test the ground, there
will be "mini-voting". Just to allow all Malaysians a chance to show their
voting trend in the big one in 4 years time. So far, we already had 5 mini
voting.
Ask Ms Yeoh. She might be able to tell you who is leading in this reality
show. But then again, this show is so full of twists and turns that you
will never know. Just sit back and observe Mr Todt. I am sure there is no
other show on earth which is better than this Malaysian reality show. In
fact, this blog, and this whole business of you being accepted into this
Second home thingy is also a part of the show! Wooo....you are now an actor
Bro!
One more thing that you might notice soon Mr Todt is that we are obsessed
with the phrase "social contract". Everyone is talking about it, including
me. But nobody has ever seen it. Nope. Nobody. I will leave it to you then
to surmise whether we, Malaysian, are a hallucinating and delusional lot.
Then there is the mainstream mass media. These are local TV channels and
local newspapers. You can of course watch the news on these channels. Or
read them from the local newspapers. May I suggest however that after you
had done that, please read the same news on the internet. You will find
there are differences between the one which you read in the newspapers or
watch on the local TV and the one which you read on the net. You are of
course at liberty to believe which ever version you like. You would not
however be wrong to opine that Malaysian journalists are a schizophrenic
lot.
You might be used to some of our concepts here Mr Todt. In your country,
you pay taxes. Your Government then use your taxes to provide amenities for
you and all citizens. However, in Malaysia , despite your taxes, you still
have to pay tolls for using the highways and pay money for some people to
take care of your sewage, for example. You pay duties on your cars and also
road tax to use the same. You pay fees for broadband services but you only
get slow internet connection and when you ask the provider what the hell is
going on, they would say sorry Sir, the speed is on best endeavour basis.
Well, sometime, when you are tired, you might just say best endeavour my
fu@#ing foot, you cheats!
You will find, Mr Todt, that in the corporate world, Malaysia is quite
unique. For example, we have a monopoly business making a 900 million loss!
The CEO of that company then became CEO of the year!Then we have a
government fund management company whose investment shrunk by 10 billion
and instead of raising questions, their fund portfolio is increased by 10
billion too! Then we have a company which cannot deliver ships which they
were supposed to build for whatever billions. In your country, the buyer of
the ships would terminate the contract and sue the pants off of the ship
builder. But here we give extension of time to the builder and voluntarily
increase the price of the ships by a couple more billions! And until now
the ships are nowhere to be seen. Then we have some kind of a port service
area built for gazellions but it is not utilised.
Yes Mr Todt, we are a bit different from the others. Perhaps because we
take Tongkat Ali.
May you enjoy your stay in Malaysia Mr Todt.
Yours sincerely,
H. Art
PS: If you must know, Ferraris are lame!
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