Nov 26, 2008

Cycle 17 : Day 20 - Renewed Challenge


I'm back. And going into another cycle of anxiety and tension.

I am supposed to continue my indulgence in my warm cocoon of sorrow after the miscarriage on Nov 8. All emotions were drained dry when it started to flush. Anger built up. Despair led to putus asa. Damn that blooding media job! Damnation to my bad karma or karmas. 

This cycle feel kinda dry. I can't even be sure am i ovulating. Passed day 14 and 15 yet no sign of stretchy mucous. I know, you tell me: i am still emotionally stressed over the miscarriage, my body has yet to recover from that awful 8-days period compared to all the 3.5 days mensus cycle my whole life and etc. Yeah, i almost went limp on day 2 and 3. Too much draining that my left hand fingertips developed fine-line wrinkles. 

At 7.30pm last evening experience flowing of mucous. I guessed its ovulation in action and we had dutifully carried out our mission at 10.30pm. Funny that i realized that last evening was the first sensation of watery mucous felt on passed-day 14 and most important of all, it happened at a convenient time. Never did we get to complete our baby-making-action within the first 6 hours of ovulation, of course, if i actually ovulated yesterday. (Fingers crossed n pray). Again, a first-symptom of a cycle never experienced before. Again, setting me off a self-tormenting journey blasting my mental energy in assuming this and that. 

Here i go: could this fantastic ovulation timing is a good sign?; i had the sweetest dream on monday morning Nov 24, that i actually picked up a wee babe from the middle of a quiet country side road while i was cycling with my youngest sister (by the way, she was in the body of my sweet Corgie). In the dream i had a crisp clear view of that baby! Though not sure it was a he or she, but the baby certainly had a gorgeous face. Maybe its from my burning desire to watch BOLT. Moreover, sinseh Wong declared that i have one huge and quality egg growing on each side of my ovaries. Blast me! she can actually felt that from my pulse??? Is TCM that
 superb?? Whatever, she did renew my desire to try again. At least that words were soothing and comforting at this low point. So, she forced Dino dad to start his herbs again "Must fight for it", she said again and again. There went RM330 again.

Of all the stuff above, this next one is the real driving force that brought me out of my cocoon and start to pen my journal. Today, Dino dad has received a verbal confirmation on an direct international call from 'the' Australian buyer confirming his intend to purchase 3,000 tonne of crude coconut oil from us. We went hysterical with ecstatic joy immediate off the phone. What's so great? Its so great that our peanut company would be registering more than 10 millions of sales within one year. Slap me again! And on my left too! Oh god, could this be it??? On the expense of our hope for a baby??

No comments: