Final farewell to baby xiao lung lung

For the 3rd time i requested Dr to ultrasound - before being pushed into the operation theatre - to make sure my baby was really demised. And there the beannie stayed, dark and motionless, despite dire prayers and mountain-willful of mental power to will life back to my tiny beannie. I consented the Therapeutic D&C procedure and closed my eyes to close this short-lived chapter of bliss.

when i opened my eyes again

i listened to my own heartbeat

reminded me of the first time daddy and i saw the flicker of your heartbeat on the black & white screen

soundless, blurry, but unmistakenly alive and perpetually beating

now i sat quietly reminiscing

not wanting anyone interrupting

hurdling together in the strongest embrace

yet can’t fight loosing you from our fate

inside, emotions were rioting

yet there was no words to explain

time has morphed into unrelenting slitting grief

stopping me to remember the short-lived bliss

tearing forcefully at our mutual dependency

on the day you left my womb at week 8

felt like i was blowing out my last breath

like i felt so much wanting to alight to the sky

to capture you back and tell you everything’s all right

but strength failed us as daddy and I are a wreck

holding blindly to your ultrasound prints like pieces of rag

now i sat quietly pondering

admist searching for a sliver of knowing what took you from me

restropecting the folds of my careless sights

did i not eat proper and care for you right?

grandmother blamed my trip to india a fortnight ago was not right

mother-in-law blamed my neighbor's construction work came the wrong time

or haven’t i the right to deserve you in my life?

but known that i won’t find the answer forthcoming

cause the doctor himself knew not a thing

now i sat quietly, steeling up to after i faced the cold spade on Thursday

thinking to keep you, my eight-weeks-old beannie, inside me more days

so i could still call myself pregnant every day though you’re dead

now i sat quietly choking back fire tears that’s not mean to cry

more like galled, acidic shoutouts to all Almighty in the sky

asking what right have you to rip me of what’s mine

we have never once seen your work of miracles in our life

so from now on gods will just be a lie

now i sat quietly, looking, but seeing nothing

as the anesthetic separating us permanently fast ticking

forcing me out of oblivion to face a brand new struggle

what’s new, when the same has been repeatable

only rehashing and refueling my passionate anger

erupting bitterness when crossing path with expectant mothers

heart catching fire when friends pop their bundle of joy

only to make my therapist richer

now i sat quietly, thinking when will my sky lift its curtain?

This will be my last post on this blog. The time has come for me to call it quit. To end this struggle of 5 years. Enough money's been splashed on a project that gave no returns, but sorrow and misery. And we are too tired.

There must be a better life calling ahead, one that is going to need hubby and i contributing in ways that we can give as an independent and strong childless couple. I am hopeful to see that road when i eventually lift the veil of this grieving period.