I still cannot face my friend's newborn

Through my facebook, I've learned my friend has finally given birth to her first baby a month ago. The baby girl is celebrating her full moon now. The newborn is perfect in every way a baby should be: fair, pinkish, chubby, bright eyes - and a full crown. Maybe takes on from mommy.

What is it to me? Simple. She's a friend i've known for over 10 years. She lives two rows from my house. If my first-ever-pregnancy hadn't been an ectopic, mine would be just a week behind her daughter's full moon. And i still cannot bring myself to walk over her house to congratulate her personally. That's the deal.

So i've chickened out and wished her through facebook instead; blending in among her many facebook friends. But i stay so near her house and yet i hide behind an electronic message.

For days i've contemplated: to go over or not to go. At one time, i'd got up and said, "Die, die la. Just go over and stay for 5-minutes" and derive an excuse of phantom appointment with other friends and then leave. Easy right? Just didn't happen. Couldn't get my feet into my shoes and stepped out the gate.

In my mind i was afraid of emotional turmoil the moment i set my sight on the little pink mittens waiving in mid air rocking in her little bouncer. Oh hell, of course i don't want to show my weakness outside the safety of my own home. I mean who'd care if this woman had lost her only successful concept to an ectopic; who'd care if this woman had been struggling with unexplained infertility for 3 years; who'd care if this woman has failed her therapy with the counselor. There are countless women outside my self-absorbed world who can conceived as easily as cracking open a peanut and manage children with career as easily as putting a car out of the porch to the nearest hypermarket.

My counselor has told me my decision to stay away from this new-mom-girlfriend is validated. She said it is okay for me if i am not ready to meet the newborn. Told me to ignore people's thinking i'm rude for not visiting when it's just 2 rows from my house.

But i am a high disciplined person. I champion people with good manners. I encourage younger people to be conscious of other people's welfare. I even intend to teach my god-son (my nephew), when he's a little older, what proper good-human ethics should be. Considering all that, i have not do the simplest manner by dragging my ass over to my friend's house for a simple 'Congratulation! You are now a proud mommy of a beautiful princess'.

I am so torn. I've told myself to stay away from pregnant people as long as i haven't strength my psychology against this issue. I have set my mental GPS to stir clear of pregnant people's path - even moms' path - in my radar, unless the pregnant woman or new mom has something beneficial to share with me like some medical stuff she'd tried that had contributed this successful pregnancy or that stuff she ate, or that doctor she'd seen or even that sex pattern she'd attempted. Or simply to share some real time hearing my grieve if she'd willing. Otherwise, i definitely live better without forcing myself to pretend 'ahh, how nice' or 'how exciting you're pregnant' or 'you're glowing' other shit stuffs like that that come out of my horned sales-mouth while my heart constricting the whole time.

Few days back, when i read about Guliana Rancic has been diagnosed with early stage breast cancer a few days before she was scheduled for her third IVF attempt, i felt a little relieve. Dammit! I am really sick, am i? Though i feel sad for her as i do feel what she's going through with a few failed IUIs and 2 IVFs - that's my journey too - but i can't help feeling i didn't want her to conceive before me. I am really sick. Yes, i am.

On the other hand, i also feel relieve and appreciating the fact that i do not have any cancerous issue after my two IVFs. It is a universe fact that the hormones jabs they pump into your body to boost egg numbers and quality do escalate malignant cells if they have been dormant all this while. (Quietly, i am counting my blessing. A recent breast scan declared my breasts are free from anything that the ultrasound could pick up. Phew! I must have done something right in my past life to earn this.)

Still, I think i need to go back to my therapist, and bury myself in my tracking on my estradiol, FSH and TSH levels. Tracking these numbers make me feel i am in control of my TTC condition, rather just stay and wait for baby to drop from the sky.