SIGH.......another failed cycle, even with clomiphene 150mg. What's the damn wrong with me!!!!
I have not taken fever or cough or even sore throat for more than two years by now and i can kill two tigers at one go. Dr has also certified Dino dad as 'normal' candidate. Then why the hell i can't get pregnant!!!!!
Menses is cleaned now. Tomorrow got to brew ba- zhen for myself.Met a close girl friend, Esther, last Friday and she highly recommending me to visit her bomoh. Yes right, i penned it right - a bomoh. Esther's a Chinese in root, but she put great trust on this lady bomoh who had exorcised a 'gong-tau' (voo doo) from her house which was placed by a previous indon maid; also exorcised a 'guai-jai' (child-ghost) from following and entering her home of which the 'guai-jai' belongs to her colleague at work who feel Esther's a hinder to her climbing the corporate ladder, plus this bomoh has helped her chose the suitable new indon maid by just looking at photographs. Twelve years ago, Esther was too weak a woman to conceive a child naturally, but this lady bomoh had successfully gave Esther a baby girl by just touching her stomach!!
I am thoroughly thrill and refresh with hope now. I think i should take her advise. After all, nothing to loose but all to gain. Buddha won't help, four-faced Buddha won't help, medicine Buddha won't help, kam fa leong-leong won't help, guan yin Buddha won't help too. Maybe this bomoh will help.
Another girlfriend, Emily, has been persistently inviting me for months to give Jesus a try. She was 37 when she first got pregnant after four failed months of TTC immediately after her wedding. Now she is a blessful mother of a beautiful daughter. She is conveinced she was touched by god. I agree. One will get what one's want if the prayer is sincere.
Perhaps i am not sincere in all my prayers. Perhaps i hold grudges towards religion. Perhaps after 20 times of failed TTC, i am beginning to stray off path. Perhaps i do not have the burning desire of wanting children deep inside me. Perhaps it was just an ego-centric objective to achieve a baby just like any other objectives in my life which i am too proud to fail. Perhaps karma wants me to suffer for aborting my first pregnancy voluntarily and insensitively thirteen years ago. Perhaps i have had killed many many babies in my past lives as doctors or bitter mother-in-law who preferred sons over girls.
....ok enough self-torturing. Won't help to feel this low. At least i still have a few years before turning forty. At least i am feeling much lighter for the first time in twenty months. That food-lodging lump in my throat subsided and my mm-mm pattern resumed normal. Piles went in. I can now tucked into my low-waist Calvin Klein and back on my 4-inches heels. Arrrrhhhhhh.....feel great to be back to normal and energetic again. Got to spend these two months loose off some kilos before the IVF in July. Or maybe i should line up for the bomoh, see-see can bingo leh! Then save back RM15,000
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