PICKING UP PIECES

I'm back.

Though still very much a bitter person,

but i'm turbo charged with determination.

The fight's still on.

Quest continues.

Another saga unfold.

I tell myself that i still have 42 months before i hit 40.

Now faithless, i'm resolving to rely on my bazi for guidance.

World-renowned bazi master saw my bazi and augured that herbal medicines is the cure - wood element - to resolve the child-bearing clash indicated in my bazi.

So it is, Chinese medicine.

Unlike western treatment like IVF - which are tactical solutions - TCM is a long distant marathon.

I have commenced TCM treatment with a TCM gynae from China and i am hoping fervently that she would be The One to cure me with the treasure of the 5,000 years-old traditional Chinese formula for woman's wellbeing formula.

Also my bazi indicated that i have entered a new ten-year cycle of Output. Which means these are going to be the years that i will, literally, produce, be it my creativity @ work, music, novel-writing and most desired of all - a baby.

TCM (wood) + Ouput (water) = baby (finger-cross)

IN GRIEF

My 2nd IVF attempt miscarried on 16 April 2010. All three tiny lives had lived just one week longer than the first triplet's. This second attempt lasted exactly four weeks and four days from embryo transfer date. Technically, i was really pregnant for only a month - from fertilization with triplets thriving at eight-cells when they were put back into my womb.

On the very same day of my loss, i'd, sadly, celebrated the birth of my younger brother's first child. Aside from hubby, i had told no one about my miscarriage. I had faked a joyous face throughout this day as it was a historical day for my family because this baby boy is also my parent's first grandchild, a.k.a. the third generation. Baby Hong-Hong is a epitome of my yearning, my desire, my longing and my depression.

As much as i am happy to welcome a new life into the family, i was also submerging in tremendous grief with my loss. My weight dropped drastically, tipping the scale to 8kg. I couldn't bring myself to blog and work life was monologue. I let myself grieved without reserve; i'd stayed reclusive, pensive, wistful, hurt.

Unfortunately, i still haven't emerge, even till today. I am as bitter as before. I snapped easily. I can taste sour in my tongue whenever i see women my age or younger walking by with a proud baby bump. I detour whenever such women came onto my path.

I never thought i can actually - and literally - 'taste' failure. And now i have. It makes me want to loathe. It makes me want to find fault at something...someone. It makes me want to scream my head off.

Despite not getting any of those achieved, at least it has successfully made me turn my back on religion or all things spiritual. I am able to say it out loud, to anyone, that i think religion or GOD or any faith are just a psychology illusion people conjure to cushion self in moments of weakness.

"Religion is an illusion and it derives its strength from the fact that it falls in with our instinctual desires. At bottom, God is nothing more than an exalted father."

Sigmund Freud.

I couldn't agree more. I can truly feel and understand it's extent at this junction of my life when i have had finally got down on my knees at numerous times, prayed and begged for help to secure the second IVF. Poignant prayers despite heartfelt pledges. No miracle happened. The atrocious gushes of red came, flushing out my previous triplets, my dream, my yearning, along with my honest belief of faith.

Today, i am able to lift my fingers to blog. Probably out of hatred, out of revenge at everything that stands in my way to mother a child. Maybe i should congratulate myself for coming out of grief and promoted to anger. Maybe i am telling myself i should not be giving up so soon. Maybe i need the anger to fuel my determination to fight on. Maybe i need the fire to fuel my next book: Do we need GOD?

A Girl’s story of Ovum Donation in Malaysia

I have accidently stumbled upon an interesting yet hope generating website http://spareyoureggs.com. The author is a brave Malaysia woman who had donated her eggs for a fee at an unnamed medical center in the country. I'd read her website with uninterrupted interest as she had written about the process and procedures so well and never the slightest slur hinted in her report.

Reading her website had cheered my another-day-of-2ww-blue. Though she had done the donation with a nominal fee in return, but having had been through the egg-growing process myself twice, i must applaud her courage and her unwavering decision to go through the painstaking process that lasted in no less than four weeks. Though its for a fee, which might be spent off within a week, but her contribute could last a life time if the eggs made it to the birth stage. The magnitude of the egg donors are justified wider and farther than dollar and cents. Donated eggs could bring life and happiness... in an otherwise grim family.

But there was one woman named Sarah commented on her website with such narrow-minded perception that brought me to think, such people still exist in this twenty-first century??? Read on.


sarah Says:
March 4th, 2009 at 5:42pm

Hi dear,
You are very brave. But i must ask, when u do plan to have children of your own, have u thought about the consequences that u have other children out there, who you might never even get to know of, with your genes and dna running through them? what if your own children happens to fall in love with your donated-egg child, and they never find out that they are related? and then an incest is in the making, which is a crime, but no one will ever know cos you dont know?
isnt that horrible?

if ur never planning to have kids, i think that would be much better, but you also never know if ur cousins or siblings or you yourself fall in love and meet with your donated-egg child. crimes could be born UNKNOWN.

Bizarre, isn't she? If more people think like Sarah, i couldn't imagine what could possibly be their views towards other aspects of their life. I think self-preservation would their core agenda to life - everything that concern their interest must come first. On a lighter note, imagine being her daughter-in-law....guahahaha

I seldom pray lately, but i would wish to make this exception for the kind author and her courage to maintain her website. I pray to all gods that the divines would see her sincere objective and bless her for her courage to do the nonorthodox in the name of charity to those unfortunate childless and infertile community.

cycle 29 (2nd IVF Day 10) - 2WW blues

I'd nearly had a breakdown this morning - my breasts were devoid of pains to the touch. That flicked me out of my stupor liked ice-cold water poured onto me. I said up on my bed and started pressing my breast all over lightly trying to detect some pain. Though i've got some tenderness but the symptoms were very weak. My nipples had went from non-touchable to press-able. I zombied through the regular morning routine and i ate breakfast without tasting the wanton mee.

I simple couldn't bring myself to do or make my brain to think of anything else. I didn't even tell Dino dad. After the morning shower, i sat in front of the TV at 9.45am before switching on New Moon DVD, i concentrated on chanting "I have a strong womb, my babies are strong and i will see them in nine months time" over and over for a long moment. Though the chanting did not settled my fear, but i could feel the tenderness on my breasts increased slightly. Yeah, don't think i'm crazy - i know and took mental note on every little significant or insignificant symptoms that goes on in my body.

I do entirely aware that all symptoms of possible implantation i am feeling right now are caused by the drugs i am subjecting my body to; i know full well that hCG injections raised alkaline taste at my throat all day to the extend i'd felt two-percent-nauseous, the intense breast tenderness feeling is also the work of hCG and progesterone suppository, the fatigue, five-percent increase in urination and engorged nipples. I welcome all these. These symptoms help me to stay focus and think positively. In fact, and not shy to declare, i cling my sanity to it.

There's nothing i want more this year than holding an infant in my arms. I'd even prepared to drop all my careers if i were really pushed to that - as told to me by bazi consultants that it was indicated in my bazi to be a one hundred-percent mom should i conceived successfully. Whatever, i don't mind. I am ready for all eventuality that might shift the horizon of my work life.

Now, as i write, the breast tenderness had got stronger but slightly lesser than yesterdays. But at least the metallic taste on my throat returned. Many IVF mom-to-be websites cited that the two-week-wait should not be an eventful period, that there're usually not much significant symptoms to catch even if the lucky mom is carrying twins. The best confirmation lies on day 14 when doc would summon a urinal test and most IVF docs claimed that any pregnancy urinal tests done will not be reliable until 16 days after egg collection.

Well, i am four days away. And these days of the 2ww are most nerve-racking time of the whole treatment cycle. It is the only period when two major impacts can be felt at once - the elation for knowing my babies could have successfully implanted when there's still significant symptoms to be felt, whereas sandwiched on the other side of the moment is the feeling of uncertainly, of possible deflation of spirit, when i am feeling so helpless like a fat, useless potato couch with thousands of questions fleeting in my head that no one could answer - even God, even specialists. I want to reach for the dial, but who could i call? The counsellor? (Please! people are getting pregnancy like eating peanuts every day. They have more suicidal cases on hand) The IVF support group? (let me know i there's one near you) The doctors? (These species are trained for their hand skills which the universities had forgotten they have a mouth too) The nurses? (Huh? iss it? Yes ah? I don't know la. I only work here.) Friends? (Two types. Type one : Uh-uh, yes yes, excuse me for one second, (yelling) Boy, if you don't stop that i will smack you. Ok, where were we? Isn't my baby girl looking like his daddy...? Type two: Uh-uh, yes yes, my god who's kids are those? Somebody stop them from screaming like monkeys. My ears hurt. Ok, where were we? Sigh.......................... again ................. and again ......................

In the meantime, anyone want to be my surrogate mother? Or do you have an extra healthy baby you couldn't afford to feed or give grade A education? I don't mind having more even if i have my own. My house is big and there's only two people, two dogs and a few cats living here. Got extra empty rooms.

cycle 29 (2nd IVF) - I have 3 again

I have received three of my well developing 8-cells embryos back into my womb on March 25. Though March 26 was the best recommended day - by my Bazi consultant as the day had both of my favorable elements: wood and water - i didn't opted for it because doc had advised me not to let my living embryos exposed to the outside world for more than three days. Clinically proven that surviving embryos thrive best in the nature-made environment of a woman's womb.

My consultant helped me to settled on March 25 as second best - having wood but sitting on Earth (unfavorable). Well, i had to resolved that March 25 was the better option than to March 24 as it was a month-breaker day though both of the day elements suited me too. Better heed the consultant - didn't think Month-breaker was lesser than my IVF investment.

True enough, the embryo-transfer went very well. I was bizarrely craving for chicken chop when i was discharged from the hospital at noon. It should be a good sign.

The fact that i craved food was yet a significant change of luck in this second IVF attempt because i simply suffered NO OHSS! That alone was something to be celebrated. Why, because i did not wallow in great stomach discontent - that had blown up my stomach to a 6-month pregnant belly - and breathing difficulty. I got to eat all my meals like usual. I am still wearing my jean and fitting Ts. And most crucial of all, i won't be spending extra RM960 for any albumin to flush OHSS and i WILL BE getting my progesterone jabs every fourth day - yeah!

Well, there was also a little set back - i didn't produce enough quality eggs to be frozen for next future use. I produced fifteen eggs on the first IVF. This round i'd only managed to produce six eggs. I guess that was what i had to be balanced with - less eggs = no OHSS...sigh.

Freezing the extra eggs can help to reduce the time and money of the pre-IVF journey if i were to want more babies in the future. Its a technology to be marveled. Alas, i couldn't benefit from it.

On day two, two of my embryos died at four-cells. When the embryologist broke the news, my knees got weak - i mean that'd left a balance of only four embryos to chance. Many negative notions flashed through my brain, what if they didn't do well and i had to start the injections all over again?

Somehow, my luck got a little up tide. When i checked in for transfer procedure, the embryologist announced that the fourth one died too but there were three very strong eight-cells fella still thriving. And they were growing as per schedule.

But this time, the embryologist said their monitor was not functioning well so they couldn't let me see the images of my embryos. How coincident? Why did i get the feeling that they didn't want this informed patient poking her nose too much into their procedure? Could the doc regretted to let me keep the image of my embryos during the first IVF? Sniff, sniff... i am tormenting myself now with negative thoughts about the doc's motive. Hopefully they didn't lie to me that my embryos were not showing well and they wouldn't want me to cancel last minute... gua.

Sigh.... i'd better stop musing with the negatives and start focusing the positive. I need to start observing physical signs - doc said my embryos should be starting to implant this Saturday or Sunday.

So now, off i go to lie on my couch again. Want to see the real image of a couch potato? That's me!

cycle 29 (2nd IVF) - Hormones gone haywire

I am seventh day late and i still don't see even a red spot.

Why life has to torment me this way; i saw red at the times when i would give anything in the world to NOT see it, and now i don't see even a red dot when i am unbelievably panting for it. Can life get anymore bizarre than mine?

Ideally, i should have waited for at least an interval month rest before embarking on second IVF. This rest would help my body to retune itself to its natural cycle. Because i was too eager to meet my tiger-baby deadline, because i was and still am feeling healthy and robustious, i made the decision last month to not waste more time idly when my body - based on my theory - is still being under the control of medications. Might as well to continue diffusing my brain further while my body is still able to take on IVF procedures.

But i am supposed to menstruate seven days ago. With its absence for the seventh day, i am less calm as i had been last week. My chin is severely battered with acne eruptions - something i don't get unless there's a hormonal disturbance to my system. Some websites even sited that this is a sign of increase androgen (male hormones) in my system. Wow, i am more mainly now? But i actually felt more beautiful than myself in the whole of last year. My hair less frizzy, it's got more weight. Hmm, if its true, it certainly can help to explain the slightly raised passion-on-bed in February. - more than any other month for the past ten months.

The delay is probably due to the daily Suprefact jabs that i have been taking at home since Feb 23. Out of curiosity, i did a quick search on the internet and discovered it is also referred as the widely known Lupron that i have been reading about all along before.

Lupron suppresses the communications between my little pituitary gland, on the back of my lower brain, with my ovaries. When there's no communications going on, my ovaries do not receive order to manufacture eggs that would eventually lead to spontaneous ovulation like a normal cycle would. When Lupron takes over the wheel, it sort of temporarily immobile the autopilot function of m body while waiting for a newly appointed captain to take office so that he, my doctor, can manually pilot my body according to his schedule and strategies. Hah! did i got that right? I hope so.

Hmm, hypothetically, my pituitary gland should be well suppressed by now judging from the absence of menses, as some websites did explained that patient would sometimes get a period but not always. See? It said not always. So i should be one the norm, i guess. I should relax a little.

Doc advised if i don't get menses in the next two days, he would give me medication to flush it. And that is something new! I didn't know there's something available to induce menses. Wow, science marvel. But doc would also need to run a blood test and ultrasound then to verify the status of my pituitary suppression before he could advise on starting FSH.

At this junction, seems like my timing has gone a little off track. This could sidetrack my aim to achieve pregnancy by March 15 and hey.., my fervent hope to get these little darlings delivered on Nov 15 if they could stay in full nine months.

On a light note, this sidetrack could mean that i might be endowed with a surpassing treat - for all the torments i endured and unbending perseverance the last twenty nine months -my babies to be born close to Christmas!! (my heart sings already....)

Cycle 29 - 2nd IVF

I can't seem to put down my Twilight Saga books - I am re-reading them a third time. And i think i am going to go on to the fourth round devoutly when i go into confinement after the embryo transfer in middle of March 2010.

Its embarrassingly enough to admit that i am having a deep crush on Edward Cullen! - i still couldn't sink the fact in that i am still capable of having infatuation at this age of mine now - and the world he lived in. It is kinda like me feeling twenties again all of a sudden. It's his face - Robert Pattinson - that i couldn't get enough of. Urgg.... so geram. I have been, literally, floating through my days-of-denial this past month living in his world dreamily. Bella and Edward's family have somehow made my recent three weeks of post miscarriage seemed lighter to bear, though there were the occasional depression and emotional coastal-roller rides. At some point i kinda of felt the need to take a silent gratitude to my own fate that it was a blessing to have found Bella and Edward at the darkest time of need.

Also, perhaps the 太陰星 and 太陽星 have finally visited my life chart in 2010. I like to believe that 太陰星 has somehow escalated my enthusiasm in creative writing - its the one passion that i have neglected for some long time - and propel my hidden and sleeping talent subconscious mind to kick start its production factory. Just a week back, on the flying trip to Hatyai, my head was spinning a synopsis of a love story - of which it suddenly crept up - and was completed by the time we touched down in KL. Amazing! I swear i couldn't even peel my eyelids to work on anything mentally in the whole 2009. I am absolutely feeling hyper since the turn on Feb 4, 2010 and my mind has been racing non-stop tapping on fresh leads on story plots and any new ideas that can sprout the publishing of a book, hopefully before the year's out. Oh, did i

mentioned i am writing some songs too? And trying my hand on penning lyrics? And all the while trying to thwart the maddening compulsion to get my hands on the original Twilight New Moon dvd - to be released in March 2010 - and the thirst for any news flash or releases on Twilight Eclipse. How crazy could one get when one is in love? When was the last time i was this crazy over someone? That crush on Keanu Reeves and Rob Lowe - when i was in my teen - didn't even come close.

Love you more, Edward. Because of you and your everything i'd desired in a man-of-my-dream, i'd managed to put behind the grudge, the bleakness and the anger i'd lashed out towards this stupid life cycle. I am all renewed - mentally and physically - again to face yet another arduous road trip of needle-pricking days and depleting huge sum off our savings for a second IVF.

Love you even more, Edward, because somehow your dream-like quality of a personality has mellowed my eagle personality - a characteristic categorization science i'd learned in my psychology counseling sessions - and awaken my dove personality - a trait i didn't know i possessed derived from the Dr Leonard Yong's personality test. No wonder i could submerge my mind into Edward's world so easily ever since the first time i laid my hand on Twilight books in December 2009. And to so easily fire up my creative intuition surrounding the mythical world of romance again - something i have buried don't-know-where in my recent years to make way for serious thrashing in a life i have called career.

Honest - check again - yeah, honestly, i do feel truly good spirited and somewhat happy after the turn on Feb 4. I am feeling ... confident too that i am going to succeed in this second IVF. Perhaps my double 太陽星 has already began to work on me. Perhaps 太陰星 is very potent for me especially in this 庚虎 - my nobleman star - year sitting on my wealth element.

Looks like my next two weeks will be filled with anxiety again. Only this time, the anxious hours would be more productively countered with book and songs writing.

Jasper, Edward and Ivanna ... mommy will be seeing you again soon.