For the 3rd time i requested Dr to ultrasound - before being pushed into the operation theatre - to make sure my baby was really demised. And there the beannie stayed, dark and motionless, despite dire prayers and mountain-willful of mental power to will life back to my tiny beannie. I consented the Therapeutic D&C procedure and closed my eyes to close this short-lived chapter of bliss.
when i opened my eyes again
i listened to my own heartbeat
reminded me of the first time daddy and i saw the flicker of your heartbeat on the black & white screen
soundless, blurry, but unmistakenly alive and perpetually beating
now i sat quietly reminiscing
not wanting anyone interrupting
hurdling together in the strongest embrace
yet can’t fight loosing you from our fate
inside, emotions were rioting
yet there was no words to explain
time has morphed into unrelenting slitting grief
stopping me to remember the short-lived bliss
tearing forcefully at our mutual dependency
on the day you left my womb at week 8
felt like i was blowing out my last breath
like i felt so much wanting to alight to the sky
to capture you back and tell you everything’s all right
but strength failed us as daddy and I are a wreck
holding blindly to your ultrasound prints like pieces of rag
now i sat quietly pondering
admist searching for a sliver of knowing what took you from me
restropecting the folds of my careless sights
did i not eat proper and care for you right?
grandmother blamed my trip to india a fortnight ago was not right
mother-in-law blamed my neighbor's construction work came the wrong time
or haven’t i the right to deserve you in my life?
but known that i won’t find the answer forthcoming
cause the doctor himself knew not a thing
now i sat quietly, steeling up to after i faced the cold spade on Thursday
thinking to keep you, my eight-weeks-old beannie, inside me more days
so i could still call myself pregnant every day though you’re dead
now i sat quietly choking back fire tears that’s not mean to cry
more like galled, acidic shoutouts to all Almighty in the sky
asking what right have you to rip me of what’s mine
we have never once seen your work of miracles in our life
so from now on gods will just be a lie
now i sat quietly, looking, but seeing nothing
as the anesthetic separating us permanently fast ticking
forcing me out of oblivion to face a brand new struggle
what’s new, when the same has been repeatable
only rehashing and refueling my passionate anger
erupting bitterness when crossing path with expectant mothers
heart catching fire when friends pop their bundle of joy
only to make my therapist richer
now i sat quietly, thinking when will my sky lift its curtain?
This will be my last post on this blog. The time has come for me to call it quit. To end this struggle of 5 years. Enough money's been splashed on a project that gave no returns, but sorrow and misery. And we are too tired.
There must be a better life calling ahead, one that is going to need hubby and i contributing in ways that we can give as an independent and strong childless couple. I am hopeful to see that road when i eventually lift the veil of this grieving period.
