Fail the 11th time!

At around 6:30pm just now, fresh red blood flowing when i got up from my Electone. I was half way with the song "Don't Cry Out Loud". I think i have reached the point where i no more feel despair seeing my mensus arrival. As a matter of fact, i have been cursing silently lately to the unborn child "Its your loss for not choosing to be my child. I can give you so much wealth to living than other parent can." I have turned nasty. I have passed beyond despair and disappointment. If this is my negative karma is taking effect on me for have had sent more than 15 dogs for spaying and neutering the past 10 years, then let it be. If my contributing to the society's healthy living by controlling the unnecessary spreading of unwanted puppies and kitties is a mega sin and my retribution is hypothyroidsm, then it is the world's loss in not getting another well-bred person to head the future world. I have already refrain myself and Dino dad from interfering with strays since June 2007. We have tried very hard not to cross path with ill-fated strays, scared to be brought home with us again and eventually lead to spaying (for female) or neutering (for male). Isn't that enough? 

Yes, of course, it could be the negative karmic effect on me from my abortion of a fetus 11 years ago. No denying, the abortion was intentional. At exactly 1.5 months. I even had fully knowledge how baby can comes from but curiosity into sexual desire overpowered. But after that experience, we have been very careful and there were no repeat. After 11 years of very 'responsible' sexual act, i think we have paid our due, haven't we? Look at the other side. There are tons of couples aborting babies everyday. Some even go through few abortion yet they still get their baby at just the right time that they think they are ready to settle down. Why can't we? The lower income groups are producing babies to the extend of contributing useless beings to the society. 

Current symptoms: I had 75mg thyroxine last night. Still feel very bloated today. As i am writing now too. The signs of dropping back to hypothyroid level is very obvious. Arrrrggggg.......almost every one i see on the street would have no problem bearing children.

Got to see Dr Prashant tomorrow. Got to seriously consult him for immediate treatment. We have to have a successful concept in June. We want the child to be born in February 2007, the beginning of spring in the lunar calendar, if its carried to full term, i certainly hope.

OHHHHH NOOOOOOO! i've just remember..... tomorrow is Agong's birthday. Will Dr Prashant be opened for business tomorrow???? If not, damn, its really my karma taking effect on us. Missing tomorrow would be like throwing my ideal birth plan to thrash, as tomorrow is day 2 of my mensus for taking up the fist clomid pill in my first cycle.

We are doommmm